It has been another busy-ish day. But let me start with karate this time... My mind was blank until I got home as I have been working my way towards the first grading for year and with some goals accomplished, I was at rest. Then I got home and the clockwork began. I had another big class this afternoon. The one I had thought I lost had returned and I got see a lot familiar faces.

I ran a quick basic format and killed it over a little too quickly. I will need to organise quick kicks better next time.. Anyhow, I saw some really good things this time again. I saw two of the softer higher graded girls put on their focused face and show me some great karate. This is encouraging as it means they are close to understanding what is required and maybe with a bit of push then I can get results.

I have one young girl who had a lot of ups and downs when it came to focus and performance however, I got to see it. I saw the focused face come on and a real edge to her techniques which I don't usually see even when on task normally. I could see that she really did want that green belt and for that I was happy to give her the magic piece of paper. I realised tonight that karate means more to her then she lets on. Her lack of effort seems to be a cover for caring about how she does. It is easier not to try then fail perhaps. I saw that this afternoon when she got confused with what block we were up to... there was a look of a cross between embarassment and frustration. I just gotta work out a way to let her know it is ok to care about her karate and that trying hard is a good thing and stuffing up isn't necessarily bad either. I know she responds well to gentle encouragement rather than to being told off. I will work out...

I made a snap decision about another one of my students who is more than capable with the skills that he has but seems a little unfocused and motivated at times. I think that this grading will help pull them back on track. I just have to trust me instincts there.

Another of my students has impressed me yet again. They have just been on track onwards and upwards in leaps and bounds. It is truely exciting! I am not sure what has made the difference but it is a complete 180 to the direction they were headed before...

I am still having a challenge with managing all my students. There is still so much that I want to do and too little time and opportunity to do it in. I have the problem that I also think that I am the best person for all jobs. I've learned how to get the best out of these guys and I'm seeing positive gains. I am nothing short of encouraged and excited for them. Sometimes I question whether what I am doing is right but I know what I am seeing and I know also that a different approach is required to what has been so far. I think I've just gotta trust myself to the right thing. Really I don't need to justify myself to anyone. They are my students.

Overall as a group the did well. I got good kiais and breathing and focus... no talking. They even lined up silently all by themselves at one point. This is the point where I feel love for them all... like I did at my old dojo. It is a point where they are starting to be training and cooked the way I like them. There are a few that I will need to work on harder but otherwise we are headed in the right direction. I am really looking forward to getting back to uni so I can do up some attendance sheets and grading records etc. My motivation for them is high and I fear prac for what it will mean for my presence there..

What else did I do today? I finally booked the speculum of doom.. and got myself medically organised. I had my blood taken to be tested and I may get the sleep study that I want too. I will get my body fixed up. I will feel alive again and be able to stop dragging myself through the haze around me. I will get the chance to start sleeping better. My appointment at FPQ will also include some mean discussion about my options with the pill... maybe there is something better than will work and allow me to lose some weight. I surely hope so...

Finally, I made an impulse buy of a V4 tamagotchi. I have to say that I am pretty impressed by the various upgrades they have made despite my original skepticism. It is certainly an indicator of what the future holds. I still have not interest in reviving my old tamagotchi website as I don't really have the time and it certainly more comprehensive than before. However, I will be keeping my old log running on TamaTalk for those of you who may be interested. Hopefully this one will survive a lot longer off pause despite my shift work and karate.

Wow... two entries in one night and I still have "Return of the Mack" in my head. I must be unwell. The image really isn't to do with much other than the fact that I am lurking around at home alone.

I am feeling a bit lonely. is away on some school retreat for tonight. I am feeling a bit low consequentally. It's not nice when everything is dark and quiet here.. that and I still don't trust the security here 100%.

Training was part good and part bad. I just wasn't in the mood, warmed up or remotely motivated. It did remind me of a further positive and negative from the days gone by though...

The negative was that I am having some troubles in the virtual world. I seem to have unwittingly disturbed a hornets nest and have been stung quite badly. I somehow have managed to set myself up to look like the predator when really I am a fellow worker bee, wanting to achieve a very common goal. Now that all has settled, I need to try and reapproach and turn the light on... show that those big scary shadows are really not monsters at all... just common harmless objects. The challenge will be working out the best light for the job. Communication is a gift but it can also be misleading when clarification is not saught which can lead to lots of unnecessary pain...

Unfortunately, like an amputee who accidentally discovered a mine, when you've caused something to blow up because you weren't aware that it was there... and have suffered the pain afterwards, one can't help but be a little bit edgy and nervous to venture out again, even in the places where mines wouldn't/shouldn't normally be...

On the bright side, I met someone who brightened my life. As quickly as they came, they were gone. They were an observer on a shift that I was doing but apart from common interests and ideas, we also had a very similar sense of humour. Those who know me, know that I can be trigger into hysterics by the most random and obscure things. As ambos, we'd make a great team though I do believe we would get ourselves into trouble - especially seeing as we might have been noted outside a patient's house at 1am, killing ourselves laughing because some little silly comment that got blown out of proportion. What most people don't understand is that although the thing that becomes the object of laughter may have originated from someone else, it really has nothing to do with them. It is more a personal response, a tickling of the humour. Kind of like how Mr. Squiggle makes a drawing out of some random markings on a piece of paper. The finaly product is a work of Mr. Squiggles which was inspired by the markings made by someone else. That's the best way that I can describe it.

It was just so good to actually click well with another human being again! It also made a nightmare of a shift go very quickly and be enjoyable. Unfortunately, opportunity lost because of fatigue as my observer was left behind when we did a doctor and RN escort to another hospital. I never got to see them after that. However, I do have faith that there are even more others that are like me out there and that are going to enter the service. Who knows.. maybe I will make yet another real friend one day...

This is my new favourite song right now! This was the song playing as I approached the patient with a dislocated knee.

Okay so I'm being a with my second bowl of icecream... not helpful for losing weight which I had suspecting that I might have been accomplishing. Anyway... this broadcast was interrupted by the one person on this Earth that I know genuinely cares about me. for Jo. I miss the days when things were simpler and we just saw one another every day...

This week has been one of a variety of ups and downs... So I will conquer one at the time.

Starting with a positive, you can see above that I managed to pull a pretty good final score for my league in the Sportal Cricket Dream Team Competition. I am not sure how I ended up coming second when mixed in with a bunch of males who know more about this game than I do. However, I will take this placing and wave it around a little because it will be the first and possibly the last time I get this kind of success in a sports related competition. I was actually coming last for a quite a few of the early rounds. Not bad eh?

Not so good... I had this feeling today that I am unhappy with my life and relationships in more than just the ways that I have been jumping up and down about. This was a deeper feeling but also somewhat vague... like a mild hallucination. I am not sure exactly how to cure this without some kind of drastic life changing action. This is something that I find to be completely foreign and I would not have a problem doing. When I say life changing... I mean something like moving interstate and starting again.

I got to go back and do some more facilitation of the second semester diploma students again. It was an enjoyable experience this time around because the group was very different. They were all really interested in learning how to do thing properly. There was just such a good dynamic between the members of this group, it really made my time there worthwhile. I also got to do a bit of acting. Sometimes I wonder if that was really the thing that I should have done with my life. It all comes so naturally for me... One day I should really make an effort to find about drama groups of something where I can involve myself that way. Though I can't pretend that it is likely to work well with shift work...

*sigh* Valentine's Day... a non-event. I would have cared less if I was single. There are a lot of people who go on about how it is just some grand marketing scheme etc. but I think it is a day that is supposed to remind us of the people that we have chosen to let into our lives in one way or another. It just would have been nice to do something. I'm a person that likes to be surprised occasionally. I remember back in high school my only just ex-boyfriend popped over with a box of Whitmans chocolate, a bunch of flowers and a helium balloon. That was just the most wonderful thing. It was so simple but it was unexpected and pretty. Sometimes I miss being loved like that... I know I am loved, don't get me wrong, but it was just different....

Tonight is senior training and I can't say I am overly looking forward to it. This is a chore for me that I do so that I am able to continue teaching my class. I would be quite happy never to go back there, though I admit that I do actually learn things there from time to time which is more than I can say for the past. And ughhh.... @ housework tomorrow. The owner of our duplex might try and surprise on Saturday... so the place needs to be clean just in case. Haven't heard from her again and wouldn't mind if it didn't happen but want to be prepared all the same. Motivational loss...

Sometimes you wake up and everything just falls apart. Just like today...

My life this past year has been one where I feel a lot of frustration, hurt and anger. My tolerance has taken an incredible dive. I seem to have played it out like my physiology... I coped and coped and coped and the came crashing down. I was revived for a short time but any deviation sends me off...

I feel physically sick.

The future is once again uncertain... Old ground... old territories...

I thought I would make an effort to actually write while the thoughts are in my head... perhaps I will sleep better tonight for once.

Tonight I had a record 19 students... with three regulars missing. One I wonder if they will be back given they've been poached for senior training.. I also fear I didn't reward them enough for their consistently good efforts. They were good to have in my class... Anyway, it was probably the most difficult class that I have had so far... It was hard to get the kids motivated and stay attentive. They don't seem to be as responsive in a large group... perhaps it reminds them of last year. I did split the group in half but the higher grades seemed to be continually interested in what the lower grades were doing...

Tonight was one of those nights where I really felt like I had a lot of work to do. When I get one kid motivated and on track, another seems to drop off... Sometimes I feel defeated. I guess I had to expect that not all classes were going to be good. This is the first week since the first week of January when things haven't been quite as good and also the first week with everyone in attendance. I really do find the larger class group more difficult to handle.

I think that they are a little bit off-put because of my use of the new sempai. I've been trying to fast track his development and confidence by getting him to take a large proportion of the class while I walk around motivating and correcting. It is a little bit catch 22 because the only way he'll grow is by putting him out there at the same time I do like to keep in control because I've learned how to talk to these guys and they haven't responded so well this week. I can see it in their faces and training... I am not sure how to conquer this problem yet.

I have decided to run a full format basics class next week. I will get my two sempais to walk around and correct. I am hoping to see a marked difference in their basics.. particularly after hammering them. I am also hoping to inspire a solid performance too. It will give me a chance to look at a few people as far as assessment and grading etc. I must also remember to play a game as promised this week. I do think it is important to reward them with fun when they do well but also finish on time.

I had one parent approach me about their son... It can be difficult to juggle everyone's needs and desires all at once. The large class numbers look good but I really work best in a small group. It is something I will have to get used to because as soon as I have a second accredited instructor I will have the white belts pumped through.. which means large numbers always. Honestly, how do people cope with that??

My greatest challenge at the moment is making bassai-dai exciting for the 5th kyus... who will have to do it yet again at 4th kyu... Their kata is the biggest thing that needs to be worked on and I feel like we need to do it every week. I have difficulty just allowing kumite when they aren't progressing all that quickly with their kata... and the same applies to learning higher kata. My first instructor never let us do above our grade kata... I think I have taken that on board. Higher kata is exciting.. but I don't want it to become the priority. It is difficult to strike that balance and I know the all inspiring line about good, strong and focused kata is only going to work for so long. I just wish I had more time!!! It will be easier once these guys get graded... I can start fresh and things won't be so urgent... until then I wish class was longer and I wish it was easier to get one on one intensive sessions before class....

I have to say that I am more motivated about this class than ever. I don't dread Friday afternoons... I really enjoy them. I come away thinking about how things went, how I can better approach the situation in future and what I want to do the next week. I've never enjoyed my teaching so much. It is so much different to my previous class two years ago. I really want to be there for them!

Today was a more productive day.. even if I spent a large proportion of it on the phone.

I went into uni and surrendered some old textbooks for resale which means at some point I should be $80 richer. I also went and paid a visit to medicare.. which saw $155 back in my pocket! That is a very, very good feeling!

The highlight of may day was the visit to the car wash though... I have to say there is something awefully exciting about watching a bunch of guys scrub the dirt off my car. I am not sure what I good price is but they did inside and out for $38 which also included a coat of special anti-paint-removing-bird-poo stuff. My Colt was sparkling! It has been a while since I have seen it looking so clean! It is very exciting! My seat and my floor mats got vac treatment and came out looking fantastic. No more dodgy marks on the windscreen, no more dust in side, not more dirt or bird poo... just a shiney black car. *falls over*

I recommend everyone goes to the car wash!

I can't believe it is February already. Where is this year going???

Today has been my first day off in a little while. I am glad to have it! I'll be getting some lung function tests done this afternoon at 2:30pm and then heading off to training back up home for the first time in ages! Things are looking to be quite hectic and already uni is threatening to start back!

I've had lots to say over these past couple of days but I've never written anything when I've felt like it. I should get out of that habit!

At the moment I am on a quest to get healthy again. I've started with my lung function. Today is the actual function testing and then Thursday I'll be doing a stress test which will be most interesting! Once I get this sorted out then I will be investigating alternative options for the pill. I noticed the one time when I started to lose a lot of weight was when I had changed to a different pill. It wasn't a good one because I'd just bleed randomly but at least I could lose the weight. I might see if there is something else that I can go on before I just drop it entirely. I am not sure I will cope with that as I know I used to suffer some pretty awful PMT with the changes of hormone level. Will mean I probably bleed a lot heavier - which is a bit disappointing because after years it has finally lightened substantially! Will also have to get over bleeding regularly too.

Anyway, the last area of interest is my sleeping habits. I suspect that I may have sleep apnoea. I'd like to get a sleep study done and see just what is going on that I am always waking up and feeling so tired.

I've been good though and gotten back into the habit of chugging down multiple iron tablets in the morning with a multi and having ever sleep inducing supplement in existance at night. I've also been working on smaller meals and eating only when hungry. Now I've just got to wait for the results!

I've found myself in a bit of odd predicament. Going through my junkmail on my hotmail account, I found an email from old name from high school. I knew that it was going to be a purposeful email as there was no way I would have had the email of that particular person back in school. I've opened it up to find a request for my home address. This had me feeling somewhat distraught. I stepped out of my senior high school all those years back and never once returned. It was a place that I did not fit into very well and held some angsty times. My plan was that I would disappear off the radar and that they would never find me again! You see, we all got issue this keyring at the end of year 12 with all the reunion dates for the next 50 years! Of course, 2007 is the year of the 5 year reunion. Naturally, I thought by moving house and not being a member of the Old Girls Association that they would never find me and that they would never bother with a five year reunion.... WRONG!!!!

Now I have realised that seeing my address was there along side another one of my friends.. some generous soul.. which I have narrowed down to exactly three people, had given them a helping hand in my location. So... I can't even just pretend that I never got it because if I don't reply, they will know I am just being a and not answering. The thing is that I really don't wish to be reunited with anyone. I don't want to be poked and prodded and looked at and discussed. I'm a simple person, living a simple life. I don't indulge in high society or money or anything like that. I have no need to tell anyone where I am now employed and what I am doing at uni or why I am not still on the medicine path. I certainly don't wish to be remember as having put on 10kg since school etc. I am also in no way interested in spending money on doing all of the above.

The thing is.. if I do reply then I am going to be databased and if I never RSVP... oh seriously bugger that.... Just leave me alone... come talk to me in 2052 when I'll probably think this is all a bit of fun.

Anyway, those of you who like Jim Carrey may find this somewhat entertaining. Personally, I got great kick out of it... the martials arts buffs amongst you will understand why!