Is it too much to ask to be happy? Really? Today I feel lonely and isolated from the world. My school friends are either far north of the river or in another state and my karate friends are only really friends by association. Noone calls me up to hang out. My one good karate friend is probably having family time today so I am trapped here feeling low.

I wish I understood what was going on... what it was that I did?

I need to be cleaning the house or something but I'm just feeling to hurt to bother

It is a horrid, humid day. It keeps threatening to storm but for some reason the sky can't get its act together and just do it! The internet is being stupid too. But otherwise I am in a reasonable state and frame of mind. I've had a few days of work and now a few days of rest. Can't say I have a great deal to look forward to just yet but am happy where I am

I received an entry in my guestbook... which exasperated me so much I removed it. The advice given was that I need to spruce my site up. Okay, I admit that it hasn't got a million pictures and youtube videos but I did build it all myself from scratch with HTML and Paint Shop Pro and lots of hours of hard labour. What I find perhaps a little bit insulting is that I received this advice from an individual who's own website was Freewebs duplicate. For those of you who don't know, Freewebs is the place where all the eight to twelve year olds go to make a website because it has a website builder that does all the hard work for you. All the sites pretty much have one of a few different layouts and what differs between them are the background/pictures and actual content which is usually not that advanced given the age level.

Well actually... I have been meaning to put this one up for some time. It was the first thing I ever saw in reference to GKR Karate on YouTube. Enjoy!

*Stomps on stupid internet connection*

Well I am tonight anyway... I've been going through a major reflective time where I have been contemplating myself as a person in the physical, emotional and all other dimensions. Body wise I'm unhappy and as a person sometimes I am also unhappy.

Before I go any futher - not that I intend to go much further because my brain feels a little scattered, I would like to thank the lovely souls who have been looking out for me after these recent entries. I am ok... life has this funny way of working out... it always does. I should have updated sooner but I don't do that when I am generally feeling good. @ Jo... thanks for the email... I will be intouch again with your shortly. I love the idea and we should defiantely do that in the coming weeks! Thanks for caring!

Tonight I feel a bit off because my karate class was a bit small and I feel like I have pushed a pair of my students too hard tonight. *sigh* I am also feeling off because it seems that in the realms of one of my commitments, I have been inadvertantly responsible for a lot of negative feeling and have quickly helped to put one particular path of resolution off course. Although I am normally quite a savvy, I failed to reflect before putting things out there and much of what I have said has been interpretted in a very negative light. It seems even in my efforts to rectify that I am not being understood.. That's not cool. I care greatly for this convergance and I also believe that noone is above the rules, regardless of their attachments. That however, doesn't mean that I have no respect for the other entities out there. A uniform approach is usually a better one... I shall leave it there because I wish no longer to sound like some martyr.

I should get some sleep and look forward to tomorrow... and work tomorrow night. There's got to be some joy in that right?

Waiting for time to go by.. waiting for my head to clear... waiting for some direction. I know what I've decided deep down and I know what needs to be done. Now it is just a matter of making it happen. It is hard to get one clear direction when there are so many different thoughts and feelings. Some are rational.. some are not so much. These things are hard. I am again feeling prepared. I am again feeling focused. Perhaps not as focused as last night... but more thought has gone into the process. Security is hard to depart from. *sigh*

I think I knew it deep down for a long time that things were going to have to change. I do feel at peace. If my resolution does not dissolve between now and then it will be over.. for a new beginning. It is time for a change. It is time for liberation. It is time to get life back on track. I have to face my fears and I will strike it right between the eyes. There will be no more of these games, no more dissatisfaction or lonliness. There will be no more supressed anger or fighting for equal rights. I knew it a while ago and I know it again now. It is a shame that things weren't meant to be... but that is life sometimes.

It is funny how you can feel so.. lonely in a house where you live with someone else. Sometimes I wonder if the temperamental nature is overcomeable (if such a word exists). I miss having friends who want to see me for me... not for him. The few friends I do have all have lives that are busy or are away from this state. Perhaps I gained some new ones on New Years?

I am not in a very mentally healthy place right now. I don't feel good. I don't feel good about myself or anything. I keep bashing myself up over things. It is such an exercise for things to be right... and they were for a while but it takes so little to tip the balance. I have to spend my life pussy-footing around. I've to learn how to be superhuman at 21 years because one, 28 years turning nine. Those who know also understand. They say women are hard to understand but I find this one far worse. I am getting better at it though.

Ever looked in the mirror and actually felt good at what you saw, only to realise there was noone there to share? Welcome to tonight!

Karate was alright though. For once I didn't hate it all by the end. I got to spar the senior instructor for the first time too and got told that I spar like a girl. Oh well.. guess that's true.

I miss my family. I miss my Dad.

I must depart.

So early yesterday morning we were off to Couran Cove Resort to see a friend of ours. It was only a short visit, leaving yesterday and returning this afternoon. However, it was very well worth it. The weather was a bit overcast but it wasn't nasty and humid as normal. Everything was just wonderful and the long we were there, the more it grew on me! There was also a lot to do and we did keep busy!

After out arrival we hired two biked for our stay. This is the only mode of transport on the island. Everyone, big and small, travel by cycling and everywhere too! It was a little bit strange being back on a bike after roughly six years. But, it didn't take long to get past the wobbles and feel comfortable again even on a bike with no gears!

We then went to the place where they had been staying. Nice little place that was as environmentally friendly as they come! We enjoyed a light lunch before heading off to see if the low ropes course was open. Although the gate was paddlocked shut, the tyres were swinging substantially - a tad weird. So, it was off to plan B which eventually became ping pong. My proved to be a bit of a champion at that so I did a double team with our friend - which ended up sticking for the rest of our stay. Ping pong became another bike ride out to where the jetskis were taking off from and then evolved into the free kayaking. I decided that I didn't want to get wet in my good clothes so I hung out for a few minutes while the boys discovered how uncomfy plastic kiddy kayaks are and returned to the shore.

Not to be discouraged, a quick stop at the "house" had us all changed for a cycle up to beach for some serious surf. The boys again enjoyed being bashed by unseen waves (that's what happens when you face towards the shore) while I splashed around a little out of the depths of the jellyfish. Still craving a decent swim, we diverted to the conventional swimming pool for a few hours where the activities involved attempting to dunk me, breath holding under water and cartwheels underwater. This lasted until the sun started to sit and a chill moved in... which was also the point where I bashed my foot against the cement steps getting out and watched the immune response in full flight! Ouch!

It was battle of the minds as the boys placed an intense game of chess on the giant chess board before heading over to the minigolf course. This game is the most exasperating thing in existance. I had never played before and starting on a course that required some skill did not go down well. From there on in, everything was just "stupid". After triumph and exasperation with the little while balls, we tried out hand at lawn bowls - again proving his superiority in the sports arena. In the end our tag team resorted to just bashing the bowls and jack out of the way.

We called it quits after that and returned back home to enjoy a BBQ dinner, some memories and Ice Age 2 (which unfortunately also went down that annoyingly "feel good" path in rapid succession). I was exhausted but had enjoyed the day immensely. There were wallabies to be seen, lots of happy people of bikes and nature everywhere. It was an odd mix of ferns and forest things with the cotton trees and mangroves of the beach. I could swear the air was so much cleaner there too!

Today was a little less intense. We got up a little later and had a bacon and eggs breakfast with cereal, went to the General Store for some groceries and lazed back in the house for a few hours relaxing. We did go and played shuffleboard though. That was an interesting game which I did like but I refused to play another game as we had managed to finish on the draw. I went of with our friend and played a bit on the kiddies playground for a while too. Lunch was amazing! I indulged in barramundi spring rolls with tatare sauce and cucumber accompanied by some twice fried cheesy chips and cocktail which was just deliciously chocolatey. For $14.50, it should have been too! Before we left, we did get to see a few wallabies eating and a goanna hunting for some food and sunlight. I would have liked to see one swim though (wallaby that is).

I had a really good time and would just love to go there again... perhaps for a week. I suspect that may never come to fruition but hey.. I can always dream!

Well... last night was less than thrilling. I had been looking forward to a night of fun and a chance to drink for the first time in ages. Apprently, that just wasn't to be for me.

We started of at one party with some folks who are a fair bit older than me and less familier but after a few Cowgirl shots and some mint Baileys, I was really enjoying myself. After a few hours there it was apparently time to head off to the next "party"... if that is what you would call it. *sigh* Another arguement and lots of red rage later and I had been there, been taken home to get swimming gear, spent 20 minutes in an over crowded spa, walked and then dropped home and drove back again. My significant other was drowned in alcohol and soon was happy to pass out on the worlds most uncomfortable couch which I tolerated until 7am before getting up and coming home for a real sleep.

We have decided not to talk about it today... and I think that it is better that way. I just feel rotten on the inside. How does a year end so suckily???

On the bright side... I made some new friends.