It's a Blog! Wow!
Really long line of green stuff

Monday, July 24, 2006 23:15:44
The Domesticated One
The Domesticated One

I'm trying so hard... so hard. I try to do it out of love. But the more I do the more I feel resentful. I am not sure what to do. I am really not sure what is right... for me that is unusal. I usually know what is right and what is not. I don't know whether it is right for me to be overcoming my personality. I am not sure that I am meant to do that. I am not sure that my personality if a bad thing. I am not sure that this overcoming thing is in line with today's thinking. I'm confused. ??? I don't know what to feel or what to think. I know that I have a strong feeling of equality. I know that the old traditionalist way doesn't support that. I know that we have two opposite ways of thinking despite what is joked.. *sigh* I don't like feeling resentful but at the same time I don't want to lose myself. I am not sure that I should.

See I understand the theory as to why I should be like this for the traditionalist.. that all makes sense... but my personality is just so much not like that. Each is different... but I don't fit like that...



Mood: Better Better
Music: Change the World - Eric ClaptonEric Clapton


Lemming plays golf on the hard rule


Monday, July 24, 2006 20:05:49
Another Day
Another Day

So today was a big clean fest. My sister is coming over tomorrow for a while before she takes me back to their place for babysitting my niece. This prompted a good three hour cleaning spree! Vacuuming etc. It wasn't too bad. Logged onto my babe's computer and cranked up some of his tunes and got off to work. Made the time pass a lot quicker! So now the dishes are done, the benches and sinks are cleaned, the toilet is fresh, the bins are emptied and shower has been scrubbed, the floors have been vacuumed, my room is cleaned and the kitchen has been semi mopped! I even got the clothes washed in that time too. ;-)

Also got my timesheet up to the local station. The OIC there is a nice guy, very helpful! Though it took a little bit longer than I had anticipated because I went into autopilot mode and forgot to get off at the early bus stop! lol

Feeling a bit lowish... stressed because I am a bit behind at uni already and not really knowing what was expected as far as my first contribution for the scenarios... Worried about tomorrow after last time with my niece... hoping she is okay to be with me... keep having visions of her refusing to let me sister leave because she's feeling unfamiliar with me. :-(



Mood: Stressed Stressed
Music: Catch - KosheenKosheen


Lemming plays golf on the hard rule


Saturday, July 22, 2006 18:07:17
Straight Down
Straight Down

I love my job but gosh it mucks me around when I've not had enough sleep. Didn't get to bed at all last night and did about 1.5hours of over time. Just feel tired as anything. *yawn* Tonght we are supposed to be going to a friend's place for before the tournament but I just don't want to go. I really don't feel like seeing anyone else. I just want to be with my boy... But he's in a good mood and wants to go... So we are going... This is a time I wish I had a car car because then he could go and I could stay home. I just really want to sleep in my own bed tonight....

Over-reactive... *sigh*



Mood: Nyeh Nyeh
Music: Black Finger Nails Red Wine - Eskimo Joe Eskimo Joe


Lemming plays golf on the hard rule


Friday, July 21, 2006 18:25:07
Untitled
Untitled

Nothing special... just couldn't think of a name. :-) Whiling away the hours before work. Got a Friday night special at my local station. I am not going to be really energised tomorrow! lol Friday night you get every drunk and drugo out there doing strange things. People go out and do stuff! It will be busy. They always are! Though I've had a pretty good run lately with not doing much. Anyways... hanging around. My babe has gone off to teach my class and his... so I am here not doing very much. Feel a bit lonely actually with him being out when he's normally home.

What's new?? Well started back at uni on Wednesday... which was alright. Thinking I might go to the lectures for my other subject on Tuesdays...except this Tuesday when I am babysitting my niece. Bit nervous about that because last time I was all apprehensive about me being there... become a bit of a stranger to her... heartbreaking! We shall see how it goes.. Anyways, we are doing this group work thing for our subject... which I have settled with but has already proven annoying when our fifth member became two different people with a communication mix up! Glad that got sorted out. Was a bit concerned about what was going to happen there.

Other than that... I think student services ignored my email... which is fine but I have got nothing from the bank yet... I can't lodge my application until I can get the bank statements so I am most miffed. There goes Monday's plans... *sigh* More waiting... further delay for a loan. Decided to settle on 16K and go from there. Applied to open a fast start account which will pay out monthly interest for me. I've got the min amount now... got paid more than that last pay! :-D I have never seen my account with four figure amounts in it before! woohoo! I love how much I get paid for the work that I do!

I felt like such a snob on the bus the other day listening to some 20-something girl go on about getting to work 30 hours each work if she wanted and how she had to come back to work this afternoon for a four hour shift. Hmmm see I can easily pull 50-60hours if I want to and my shifts... well we are talking anywhere from 8-12 hours baseline! Mind you I get paid for it ... hence I know I can pay a car loan off... in fact I can probably get most of it done before I even have to worry about the deferred period finishing! :-P

Anyway, I'll put up a new picture for everyone to enjoy tonight in the gallery. Got some karate to look forward to this weekend. Tournament!! I am going to lose but I am excited all the same! ;-) We shall reconvene after that!



Mood: Good Good
Music: Never Be The Same Again - Melanie C Melanie C


Lemming plays golf on the hard rule


Monday, July 10, 2006 20:19:08
Meh
Meh

Today was meant to be a good but long day and in part it was really quite good. I got to catch up with all three of my immediate group from school. It is hard to believe that it has been just about 4 years since I've seen one and just really long since I've seen the others. I have to say that I really miss being able to have a good laugh about the stupid things. I've missed being with these guys... I've missed being with MY friends.

What wasn't so good is something that I don't feel safe really discussing here but put a dampner on my day and probably put a rather unpleasant atmosphere on what would have otherwise been a good morning. I really feel darkened in my soul. :-( I guess what disturbs me that most is that this time I'm not even angry. I just feel hurt... in a different sort of way. I beginning to increasingly see the mine field that I have landed on.. I have to really evaluate how I feel as my personality is so harshly different to the general traditionalist way. I have to wonder if I can doormat myself. I have to wonder if it would be a good thing to let myself be a doormat even if I could. I see myself struggling to find the way to independance. Independance means that I can't be manipulated or punished via dependance. This might not make sense to anyone else but it should at least to me later.

I looked today at the way Jo and Marty are... they seem so happy. She seems to happy and they work so well together.. I wouldn't have picked it like that back in the day. I long to be that happy.. more often than not. I don't want to feel like I have to ultra treasure the good times for they might just disappear the next unpredictably. I don't know what the other guys thought today honestly...

It is not about me... it never really is... OMG Jo... if you are reading this... my other half is playing YouTube stuff in the background and it was Sesame Street... C is for Cookie etc. suddenly followed by NUNINUNINUNI NUNI (SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK)!! lol I don't know what it was he was doing but jeez I wish you were here to hear it!!

Amy I haven't seen for close to 4 years... she looked well but as I have always know her to be... good spirited with a good sense of humour. She's currently studying Medicine in Sydney (which is funny because for four years I thought it was Melbourne) oops It is great because to a degree we can share similar sort of medical stuff... though she probably knows more than me now and will learn even more in the time to come. We shared frustrations with cannulation and annoying flat people who have veins that refuse to make themselves present. From what I can tell there are a lot of weirdos around down where she lives! :-o She seems to get the collective that I've seen/experienced over time all in one hit!

Kartika was one I didn't expect to say today so it was a great surprise to see her. She has an absolute talent for business this girl... always has. She's studying umm... honours or masters or something like that this year. She has always been a lot of fun though she seemed a little tired today. I guess the busy lifestyle does that to you. Didn't get to see her for very long.. but it was good all the same. ;-)

Jo is probably the person I've seen most frequently. She's a person who has come a long way since school. She looks right now to be the happiest she has ever been and that is just wonderful to see. Jo has just graduated from uni with a Bachelor of Mass Communication after taking a detour for an "OP equivilance" boost. She's on her way to a full time job and really has a completed lifestyle - something I know she never used to believe would happen or was more a daydream. I tip my hat in every respect! For someone who went the long way she's managed to hit the finish line ahead of us all! :-)

We are all at that stage again where we are all very close to starting on a new course in life again with finishing uni and getting jobs etc. The change seems to happen so quickly... I wonder where time has gone.

Anyway.. running out of words... going to go bide my time before training and work work... It's going to be a long night...



Mood: Contemplative Contemplative


Lemming plays golf on the hard rule


Monday, July 10, 2006 20:19:08
Happiness
Happiness

Okay, so I am outrightly just going to quite a little bit of my paramedic journal because I don't feel like writing it up again! lol

BONUS! BONUS! BONUS!!!!!!!!!!

Here is to being very happy!!! :-)

Wooohooooo!

Got my results back from this semester just gone! One 5 and two 6s!! One six for epidemiology and the other for med/surg emergencies B and obviously the 5 for med/surg emergencies A! I am stoked! All my hard work this semester paid off big time!!!! YAY! I didn't do anywhere near as well as I would have hoped on the assignments and two of the four OSCEs but I did really quite well overall so I am happy! I now feel quite motivated for next semester! :-D

On other good news... I got paid! $716 for 23 hours work... I should probably mention that some of that is double time for overtime and meal breaks. Expecting a minimum of $1000 for my next pay! I AM FULLY STOKED!!!!

So other than that? I am looking at get a car... not just any car... a brand new car!!! (I just spent about half an hour trying to find my most favourite emoticon ever to put here but it seems to be rediculously difficult to find :-( Anyway, if I could find it, it would indicate just how excited I feel about it all. Little bit of a complex process getting all the paperwork and what not and am a little stressed about the fact that it will take up to six weeks to come through. That and I am worried I will stop getting work because I can't work so often without my babe being able to get me places in the morning. :-S But looking forward to it all the same.

Probably end up getting either a Barina, Getz or a Savvy. All really tiny cars but that is all I really want. Something small that is new that can get me from A to B and will not chew up to much petrol. Actually leaning towards a Barina at the moment despite the fact I used to absolutely outrightly reject the idea of getting one of those things! lol

Worked out that if I keep the casual work up then I should be able to start paying it off fairly early and cut down the interest. Though, again stressing about not getting work and it all falling to pieces! *sigh*

Anyway, waiting for an email back from the person I dealt with today at the bank in order to find out what is required solicitor wise with the bigger loan. If it is expensive I might just borrow under the 10K and use whatever I have saved for the rest... assuming I get the work.

Oh and I got an email today from somehow who made some music a while ago... a song called Anxemint. I can't really remember where I found it... possibly off a CD from the Ekka a while back. It is a song that I do like though! Apparently they found my listing of it on one my paramedic journal entries and contacted me! Made their day and made mine too! lol

Mood: Happy Happy but Stressed Stressed
Music: Janet Jackson - All For You Janet Jackson - All For You


Lemming plays golf on the hard rule


Saturday, July 08, 2006 21:30:08
Unstable
Unstable

I am unstable I think. I don't know what has been going on in me lately. I've been very prone to laughter that I haven't had in years but tonight I felt an anger I have never seen from me. I belt that bag really hard. I have grazes through my PJs and my knuckles are red and bleeding a bit. That... that is scary.... :-( Now I am exhausted... very tired... it will be time to sleep soon...



Mood: Ummm.. Ummm..


Lemming plays golf on the hard rule


Saturday, July 08, 2006 17:34:07
Untitled
Untitled

Feeling substantially better now. Went out for a few hours with a friend and talked things over with them. I really wish I could do that more often. It is better for me than trying to wait for the anger to dissipate of its own accord. :-(

What have I learned? Well I've got a few different ways to deal with things now up my sleeve. Relationships with people is a lot about compromise which is something that I am reasonably good at. I tend to put myself last a lot so it is nothing new. The challenge is being able to compromise when that compromise will grate up against you and create feelings of resentment and anger. I guess like all things it takes a change in perception - that takes work. The thing with me is that my attitude is somewhat cyclic. I can handle things and be quite happy to compromise for a while. Then I start to feel a little resentful until I hit that boiling point where I want a change and I want it NOW! Then I relax and the process starts again. I don't like being at boiling point. It isn't pleasant for me and it is not pleasant for any other party involved either. :-S

I realise one thing above everything else is that I really seriously need to look into getting a student loan and saving some money for a car. I am thinking of ditching an equal household contribution for a little longer so that I might be able to get the car sooner. I think it will be highly beneficial for me. I felt restricted at my parents place but here I feel it even more because of a few difficult factors. I have always been a person who likes freedom to move... that is unchanged it seems.

Funny feeling I've got now. ??? It is a cross between placid and nervous with this underlying jumble of emotions which I am just aware of but not enough to define what it is. Think I might go and attempt to update my paramedic journal now.



Mood: Odd Odd


Lemming plays golf on the hard rule


Saturday, July 08, 2006 11:51:48
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHRHRHHH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHRHRHHH

I am this bloody close to having a full on tantrum! THIS REALLY S***S ME! How can a person say that they are approachable and yet when approached chuck the s***s. HOW BLOODY HARD IS IT TO TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY AND CLEAN YOUR OWN BLOODY FOOTPRINTS OFF THE CARPET!!!! HOW OLD ARE YOU!????????? ANGRY I am seriously fed up!!!!!!! I am so sick of having to pussyfoot around you!!! YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO LIVES HEAR DAMN YOU!!!!! Gosh if I could scream really loud right now I would.

I have the music racked up in my ears so loud right now I will probably end up deaf. I don't want to hear them or their music I am that pissed off. All I know if that I have to ride out this anger so I can approach things more rationally. Why do none of my friends or family live anywhere near me! If I had a car right now I would go for a really long drive and disappear for a few hours. I think I might just try that. I am that sh****d off.



Mood: Infuriated InfuriatedInfuriated


Lemming plays golf on the hard rule


Wednesday, July 05, 2006 20:08:57
S****y Day
S****y Day

Today has been a bad day if I have ever had one. :-( I am now just tired and in an outrightly bad mood. It has been one of those days that for some reason just seem to be annoyingly wrong. It just keeps coming back and hitting you in the face over and over and over again. I assume most of it came because I was tired. Oddly I didn't feel as tired as I had expected when I first got up today. I did feel tired during and after the first trip to the hospital though.

What happened today? Nothing too major I guess. Had some serious problems finding people's homes today and ended up driving in big circles around with patients on board. What was bad was backing into one of the other PTS buses. No damage but it was bad all the same. It is a reasonable size.. we are talking a minibus here. I knew it was there. I don't honestly understand how it quite happened. ??? The worst part is that one of the guys from uni was there. That means that everyone in my course group is going to know about it by the time we start back. :-( Now everyone is going to think I am a bad driver. It isn't true! For a year and a half I have been reversing out of the car park at my parent's place which has a thick cement pylon on either side and only about 3m of driveway in which to work with when you do reverse before you either hit a pylon or another car. It is a fine art and I never hit anything then! *sigh*

I felt a bit better when I saw someone else back one of the minibuses into a cement pylon today as well. lol The day seemed to pick up. I got a job from a place I could get to, to a section of my uni! It went really well... I was happy. I got fed again but this time at a different hospital so I had to brave some new faces to find out how to use my meal ticket. Met some new people. Then I realised my shirt was oddly sticking to my armpit. I was confused because I couldn't work out why. As I investigated I became even more confused because if felt like chewing gum but I don't chew chewing gum so I couldn't imagine how it got there. Then it dawned on me. I washed my uniforms with my bf's jeans who had recently been getting into the gum. He'd obviously had some gum and then wrapped it up and put it in his jeans pocket and forgot to take it out. It came out in the wash and got trapped in my shirt which became sticky with my body heat. So my shirt is in the freezer in an effort to freeze the stuff off my shirt and I have a rough raw patch near my armpit where I've had to scrub the gum off.

Felt better about the car incident later in the day... ended up taking the long way and getting stuck in traffic because of my own incompetence today on the way back to the station dropping patients off. Finished a bit late. Very much over today. Getting home was good. But we did weights. With the ambulance stuff I have no motivation for karate at all. I felt resentful of my babe because he's so far ahead of me with his capabilities and karate. Just didn't feel like doing it anymore. I know it was the tiredness talking though.

Now... now I am frustrated.... one some says "just ask and I'll help".. I expect that they mean that... not chuck the s***s because I've asked. It annoys me that I do so much extra and when it seems that they might have to do a little more they get all s****y. It annoys me that everything that gets done doesn't have "us" in mind. It annoys me that there is no thought for me.

I think I am just going to go to bed



Mood: Frustrated Frustrated, Cold Cold and Tired Tired


Lemming plays golf on the hard rule


Home