Though I am feeling better cause I just put in a few new links on my links page, I am a little bit down at the moment. I left my USB stick in the back of a computer at uni. I have this horrible feeling that I may well never see it again. I didn't realise how much that stick meant to me until tonight when I was feeling very tearful and frustrated at my loss. I had that horrible sinking feeling in my gut... it was terrible. There is nothing on there that is not on my computer but this is the only way I have of storing and carrying data that I can use. My computer doesn't have a FFD. I rely on my USB. I sent an off an email to lost property and will go back tomorrow and hope to goodness that maybe it is still there. If it is I will be putting on the encryption thing so that if that ever should happen again it will be useless to anyone but me... I feel like something is missing...

So there you have a bit of a sucky conclusion to a reasonably good day.... Kudos to my babe who came along at just the right time and said all the right things to put a smile back on my face. I really do love him so much. He makes me feel so good, so loved and he's such a wonderful, beautiful person... There are some things that words just can't express....

Where did the time go??? I can't believe it is 9:30pm already! I am so glad I skipped training tonight. It was just so good to be able to sit down and do work and know that it is not interrupting anything else! I got so much done too. I typed out a whole section which I pretty much then entirely reworded and restructured and I am pretty happy with it. That section is not enormous anymore, just about the right size. See I've done my own special dodgy maths. The first section was supposed to be 500 words and then second section... oh dear... my dodgy maths isn't logical anymore... oops.. Okay anyway, there are a whole lot of dot point in there so even though it is all about 1000 words just for the first part, it doesn't really look like it! I am relying on that. I'm a scientist by nature so I like to make things nice, short and to the point... I was also very good in school at fluffing things up so they look professional and wordy without being an obvious fluff up. And for this essay I will be scientificating the first section and fluffing the second. Anyways, there is just a limit on how much you can condense things when you have to include goals and rationale with everything that you explain.

Okay so I didn't get the stuff finished (and I wouldn't have cause there is some reading I need to do and some stuff that I haven't learned about yet) but I am feeling good cause there has been substantial progress made that I am happy with. Go me! I think it might be random quiz time for that and I think I have just the right one given my entry today!

It's now Tuesday... I am not at training as I've decided to stay home and make a start on typing up this assignment that I meant to type up on the weekend. Now there is just that to do but I know by Friday I will be in the mad scramble to get on top of the massive pile of work which needs to be done. The study guide, transcription of three different lectures, readings and so many of them and not to mention whatever gets left over from the epi tutorials... *sigh* It's a tad draining cause now that I feel like I've just stablised myself on top of everything, its all about to get on top of me again. It's a perpetual ferris wheel.

Sometimes I wonder if this will all be worth it... sacrifice all my time to do good work with my study to end up in a job where I will lose social contact in three week blocks...

I'm feeling outrightly miserable. This would be the first tournament in about four year (if not more) that I have missed. Though I think I remember missing another for something that was substantially more important. It feels like such a tournament day and here I am stuck doing stupid stuff... I finally finished the cardiac/pulmonary stuff. I wish our lecturer would put the important information in there rather than the extraneous garbage which does seem to appear on the lecture notes. I also wish they would give us the right name for things...for example.. they like to call mitral incompetence, mitral regurgitation which it just isn't.

Now I've hazzarded (if such a word exists) into the area of Epidemiology. Now this is truely a stupid subject. Here is a bunch of people who not only make up words but also invent their own measurements and equations that have very little logical basis. The more I do of this unit, the more I realise how much epidemiology is a load of rubbish! It's all very airy fairy and based on their made up stuff which just means nothing! It's so illogical that I can't get my head around it! One minute I think I've got it down and then the next it just comes undone because the logical side doesn't uphold! There is a heck of a lot of epidemilogical stuff which just means NOTHING.

So here I am and I'm feeling stressed cause I have to work my way through this stuff that I am not understanding very well. I am feeling as daunted by it now as I was on Friday afternoon and I honestly thought the cardiac/pulmonary stuff would be the thing I had to worry about.

I miss my babe and I don't want to be here doing this rubbish. I want to be at the tournament with everyone else having fun....

Today is tournament day and like every tournament day that I have ever known, the weather is peachy, the air is crisp and it feels just sooo right! But today I am not going to the tournament because I am progressively working my way through a rather disgusting work load. Yesterday I spent a total of 10 hours work on acid base disorders and electrolyte imbalances accompanyed by half of what I needed to do for heart failure, cardiogenic shock, pulmonary embolism, pulmonary oedema and valvular disorders. Around those 10 hours I had a two hour break to see my babe and a few toilet breaks. By 10pm I was stuffed and in bed while on the other side of town there was a party going on...

Today I need to complete the other half of the cardiac/pulmonary stuff and do Epidemiology. Apart from that I need to complete some final research for the study guide and I was also hoping to get some of my CVA assignment written. I know I made the right decision about staying home this weekend cause I would otherwise be so far behind... At the same time I really love tournaments. The atmosphere is just awesome... I wish I was there...

Ahh the parentals can be a good thing at times.. Got a fair bit down to day and have made some substantial head way on the CVA assignment. My Epidemiology reading is done except for the stuff on the CMD and I will have to print of the lecture notes tomorrow and convert them to written notes where needed. CVA assignment is coming along well. There is still some more research to be done and some elaboration on points which has not as occured as yet.

Feeling somewhat accomplished as I finally got the voIP set up on Mum's computer. That was pain cause I was setting it up with bridging rather than routing and then it decided it couldn't contact the phone adaptor. Fortunately, that fixed after doing a power off. So after an hour of mucking around we have IPrimus Voice Broadband which basically means we use our broadband as a phone line. It's apparently cheaper than your standard phone company offerings. So we now also have a rediculous phone number that would appear to be from out west.

Feels weird to be home now and knowing I will be doing to uni tomorrow from here and won't have to carrying my bags around the place! But underneath I'm still a tad depressed... To quote a friend of mine who is a classic instructor "More Effort Required!". I probably won't know what I meant by that in another couple of months... Oh well..how about another random quiz?

Feeling all off again... Just really hurt and angry I guess. So much that I want to say but really shouldn't on here... Concentration is at it's lowest right now. I feel like unless I make the effort then nothing happens. And guess what, next weekend is not going to happen either because my sister will probably be coming around for her birthday. I can't and don't want to miss that. Which makes me even angrier at him. Why do I bend over backwards when it gets to hard and it seems like he just pikes. I don't want to know how much you miss me if you you are the one who prevent us from being together.

This is just not fair...

Yes, I have at least one of those... his name is Alex. He knows just what to say when I am feeling down and stressed and out... I am so tired right now... But I am feeling good... which is more than what I can say that I have felt for the rest of the night. I really miss Alex. It's good to know I have a true friend out there....

It had been a productive day. I'd been working hard from virtually the minute I woke up without to much break in between except to eat a peach. I got through all the Tintinalli readings and study guide stuff that I could do from the book. I worked out where I was up to with my stroke assignment and did more reading for that out of Tintinalli and Cameron and then wrote out a rough outline to be elaborated on in the not too distant future. That was seven hours of solid work. So I logged on to the internet to complete the final details of the study guide and hopefully to do something more with the stroke assignment. But soon after logging on things went a bit down hill. The plan was to see my boy tonight and stay there... so much for that... Not sure why I feel so resentful about his piking or perhaps I do and don't know whether me feelings and thoughts are really justified. All I do know is that I am feeling a cross between tearful and angry...

I'm biting back on going too far down this road cause there is a lot of hurt there and some thing perhaps just shouldn't be voiced. It took me a long time to get the last little bit of the study guide.. mainly cause I shut my door, racked up my music and started searching for music to evade the pain inside... I need a bit hug and a vent right now.... Think I'll leave the rest of my work until tomorrow. Not like I'll be doing anything anyway..

I'm in a really off mood today. Everything is getting up my nose. I do not like these pants cause they are causing my underwear to wedge itself in my butt which is really pissing me off. I don't want to catch a stupid bus and train anywhere today. I am so sick of having to do that. I hate it!!! I just want to go back to bed and sleep and be left alone all day. I wish I could do that but I've been really good with uni so far. This is my third week and I haven't missed a class yet. I am also up to date with everything. I feel though like there is so much to do and so little time. This week I really need to sit down with my textbooks to do through my study guide and I only really have tonight or Saturday day to do that if go down for the weekend. I also have four assignments to do... one assignment is technically part of a later assignment which for the large part I can't do cause I haven't learned enough yet. That is annoying too. I want to get it done and out of the way but I can't cause I don't know anything!!! The other two are just dodgy for their own reasons. One I've come to a dead stop in cause I know NOTHING about emergency department care of a stroke patient let alone hospital treatment. The other requires me to research a bit more on ECGs and is a little bit repetitive in what it asks. It also requires 12 references of me. That's just stupid IMO. I can make 12 references but that doesn't mean I have researched anything. Unlike the other assignment where I don't know anything about a good proportion of the topic so I will have to research.

I just realised how much having a messy room is annoying me right now too and the fact that I have to clean it up at some point and there is a bloody mountain of clothes on my ironing board. Why can't everything just bugger off for a while!!

*sigh*

So... where do I start... well probably with yesterday's entry. After all my frustration I didn't end up having a bad day though I did get sent to the doctor by a friend only to be told I had/have a virus. Today I woke up without the swollen throat and consequently without the funny swallowing saliva thing too. I didn't feel all that sick anymore! I might venture to say that I am better! Except I now have a headache which I believe is a tension headache after 1st class tonight though my equally be toxic shock syndrome kicking in!

Tonight I basically ran both classes. I hadn't expected to take the first class but had been prepared just in case. It was disterous. I just don't work well with children.. well at least incooperative children who aren't there to learn. Although they probably thought things were fine I was not impressed. I was just not getting listed too at times and I might as well have been speaking a foreign language when I asked them to line single file, one behind the other facing a nominated leader. Then there was one who decided to fall down and hurt his elbow which I immediately picked for a fraud and told him exactly why. Well he wasn't a fraud it was just not serious. To the parents it must have looked like I had a complete lack of control... which was true to some degree. So I lined them up and made them do 2nd kata and their grade kata to the count before we bowed out. Not impressed...

Second class, by contrast, was great! There was 10 people all up. Most of the forewarned people didn't bother to turn up. I felt the session went really well. I am in two minds about the people who didn't turn up. Part of me doesn't blame them cause to be honest, if I hadn't been taking the class, I probably would have stayed at home to study (though I think that is quite legitimate). The other part of me is a little disappointed because I know I am a good instructor and I planned a good class. I am just kind of sad that noone is prepared to give me a go... I realise I am different in my approach but... yeah... I dunno... It's just that if study wasn't such a priority I would have still turned up anyway. *sigh*

Anyways, my pondering for the night came while listening to another's recent clubbing adventures around the dinner table at HJ's after class. I am somewhat dumbfounded when it comes to the way in which people behave. I find it quite odd that a person can meet another person and just go around kissing them all night long when they've only just met. It just doesn't seem right or real or natural or anything! Or is knowing the person like a prerequisite of the past and mating is the new dating test?? I mean I can understand perhaps on a first date with someone you've known for a bit or met before or whatever... with some random stranger in the space of a couple of hours??? Perhaps try before you buy is the new scheme... I don't know. Anyhow, I think it may be time for a random quiz.

I hate my stupid f***ing body. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. What's the bloody point of having f***ing lymph nodes if all they are going to do is get all inflamed for a while and then still result in you being f***ing sick!!!!! ARGH!!! F*** I AM SO ANGRY!!! I had that very strong desire to smash my head up against a wall again. I haven't had that for a while. I've just woken up and I feel like punching and kicking my body and screaming F*** a lot. This is not looking to be a good day. I've tried so bloody f***ing hard to do the right thing but still I am sick and how the f*** now am I supposed to study if my f***ing primary focus is swallowing cause my airway is blood f***ing irritated. F*** YOU STUPID F***ING BODY! F*** YOU! F*** YOUR ASS!!

I have been at uni two days and already it feels longer. That's not a bad thing at the moment though. So far I am really enjoying myself. I've already started my study which is fantastic! Today I am intending to buy (or at least source out the cost) of a textbook that for some reason was not on our text list. I have five of them sitting on the floor at the moment as I've been learning about CVA and TIAs.

Tuesday was a good day. Met up with an old friend from karate by chance. It was good cause we were just able to talk like old times.. I suppose our lives hadn't diverged that much. I then hit the city and was just filled with that city smell and atmosphere. It was exciting! I also felt a bit lonely as it reminded me of my old LS37 days where we used to go into the city have lunch before returning to uni to slug it out. My best mate from those days is up at the sunshine coast. I'd really love to be able to do that all again... Not that I am going to have the money after a while. I'm ahead of the game at the moment but if I spend too much then I won't be and there will be troubled times ahead...

Yesterday was a little more stressful for me. Had my first paramedic lecture. The lecturer is great. Good sense of humour and a good lecturing style with great notes. They've even set up a study guide for the unit which is extraordinarily helpful. It is all looking really quite in depth and I guess I am a little bit scared of that too. I want to do well! After the lecture I went to print out the 64 available pages of the study guide only to have a great deal of difficulty doing so. There is a new printing system by which we swipe our ID cards, put in the credit and it is stored in a central system so that when we go to print we don't need to swipe our cards again, just press print and it will be deducted from our credit. It's a really simple but great idea except that they have failed to really tell anyone exactly how it works so there is mass confusion! Apart from that, half the system is the old way and half is the new way. And if you wish to photocopy you need to add a pin code to your ID. :-S It took me well over an hour to get the first weeks worth of stuff printed (I gave up on the idea of printing it all at once). There were just queues everywhere! Big ones! So today I will go in for round two...

So, the semester is off to a great start. This year I really want to be up to date for more than two or three weeks. I want to keep it all rounded pretty much the whole way through. I am feeling good so far and I think I will do well with only having three units to deal with. Next semester might not be so easy though Ambulance Communications and Research Methods both sound a bit bludgy. Not really liking the sound of Research Methods at all really. I used to despise (and still do) those little library session where they tell us how to find material for an assignment. Not that anyone really gives a stuff about references anyway. As long as the information you put in there sounds plausible. Or maybe this unit will be about conducting clincal research or something . But I was thinking last night how most assignments are just us repeating what other more "accepted" people have already said who have quote other people etc. I wonder how anyone actually says anything new?

Anyway, I should probably consider getting ready. Hopefully at some point I can put this into my website journal too.

P.S. Those of you who missed the the blog for the end of February, you can find it in the archives.