Much does exist on my mind of late... I'm not happy. 
Most of all I feel really lonely.. I don't have many friends... I don't have anyone who cares to see me outside of karate or uni or wherever they know me from. I don't even have anyone who cares to talk to me on MSN off their own bat. How did I end up so alone... I need a hug...
and Cold 
It always worries me when I know something is wrong but I don't get told... I knew these times would come... I just am never prepared for them and never know how to deal with them any better. I'm working on it...
Head is confused... so much that doesn't seem fair or right. So much that is not quite balanced yet. Frustrations.... Expectations flying from everywhere. It is recognisable that they be there but again doesn't help...
It is about now that I wish I had my mother here to talk to..
and Cold 
Today is our third official day in our new house. 
Things are starting to get organised. It is all taking shape gradually. I have to say that I am extraordinarily tired though... I haven't slept well these past couple nights because I've either been stressed, cold or just not used to things. I might go kip on the bean bags again. That worked rather well yesterday.
Got to uni in record time. Though the ease of transport has been encouraging my laziness. 
Will have to change my route just a bit cause some bus stops are moving due to changes to the Inner Northern Busway. I'm still not quite sure what that is all about. Anyways, got all my address changes done except for the mobile. Will do that tomorrow afternoon. Looks like I am ineligable for Austudy afterall. Could try apply for Youth Allowance anyway but the only grounds I would have is that it takes 2 hours for uni travel from my parents place and that is only for a differing. They may still reject it based on their means. Hopefully, the 
casual employment will start happening now though. Will have to be a pain and ask them to move me... will deal with that when the time comes.
I am so buggered...
I'm moving tomorrow... and instead of feeling really happy I'm feeling somewhat indescribable. My mother has been trying to help me and in the process of doing so has helped me to feel really quite stressed out... So much so that I don't feel like doing anything at all... I think depressed is the word that I should be using here. I would quite happily disappear into a little ball right now.
On the up side, well... what? I got my latest stack of entries updated. Though I forgot the ones for LJ. I got an email of to a friend and instructor who I will miss training under. I got my home address changed for uni and I did the rent money transfer to 
's account. It would seem that despite technology, if you want to change your home address for your bank or your phone company, you still need to call them up. 
Go that! So I have a lot of running around to do when I go back in to uni next week. My brain is going into shut down just thinking about it.... This is supposed to be better than all that
Fortunately, today is my last day in ED and although I have had a great time and learned stacks, I am glad to get away from it. I definately am not up for being a nurse. It makes ambulance work look really, really cruisey... Suppose I should go Ajax my lamp... and pack this computer away... Do you like my desktop pic? It's a bit darkish but it suites my mood at the moment. I've got a silver one and a green version too now. Anyways... I'm going to go try and do something productive...
Ajax is not nice... in fact, any chemical for cleaning is not nice...especially if it is bleach! This morning I attack my desk, TV, clock and giraffes with Ajax... I still have a lamp post to go but I didn't feel like sniffing that stuff any more than I had to. But it is nice when everything is clean. I can now say that I am pretty much packed and ready to go... barring tha lamp which I will clean tomorrow..the rest can be done on Saturday and will have to be done then anyway.
As predicted, today is that dodgy in between day. 
It's not quite close enough but not really far away either. Over the half way mark but not end date. Though it is kinda good to be able to say that tomorrow will be the day for getting things organised and tomorrow will be the last day at home! I woke up this morning and felt two things. One was that it was the dodgy in between day and one was slightly stressed. The bed that I have always been able to crawl back to and feel secure will no longer be the one I come home to. I wonder if I will actually get a good night of sleep again? Don't get me wrong, I want this move more than anything else right now but it is also a step away from an old security. It strikes me every now and then that I will be a fair distance from my parents and how little I will be able to see them. In fact, it is somewhat ironic... when I was a kid and my sister talked about moving with her now husband to Maleny or somewhere else country like, I was always disturbed cause I knew I would rarely get to see her. Now, how many years on, I am the one doing the moving away. It would be easier if I had a car... but I don't.
Well the latest I have heard from we have a home phone (that sounds suspiciously cordless) and a functioning TV. The fridge and bed will be delivered today too apparently. So it would seem that it will all come together! Only too more sleeps to go!
It is now half was through the week and I am beginning to feel agitated. It seems to be taking forever for these days to go by and the weekend to come. Thursday is going to suck big time! All I want to do is just get to Saturday. Thursday is the day before the day before we move. That is a stupid time. Just over half way and close but not close enough.
After two days in the emergency department, I've just about had enough of being there too. I've learned a lot and after tagging myself on with a nurse, I've also been able to do quite a lot too. I've even had the good doctor teach me too! But they make for long hours and not being able to go to karate or get on the internet, I feel very disconnected from the rest of the world. Friday I will have to get up early, log on, upload my blogs, send off an email about my location and change my details on a number of different sites.
I've been getting more and more packed each day. Still not sure how everything will fit into the Frontera... I guess we will manage somehow. Feeling a tad on the stressed side too... wondering if we will have a fridge and a bed for the weekend. The bed delivery people rocked up after had gone to work.. so we are going to have to arrange for another time... I'm hoping he also remembers to get our inspection report in today too... Don't want to be late at this early stage! 
I'm hoping everything comes good over the next couple of days. Feel really quite bad cause I am up here on prac and he's down there organising things on his own and he's been doing so well too! I will be glad when this whole process is over and we can be together... that way I can get on with stressing about uni stuff instead. I laugh but I am a bit more behind than I would like to think at the moment...
Think it might be time for one of those random quizess again... something a little light hearted...
| Your IQ Is 110 |
 Your Verbal Intelligence is Exceptional Your Mathematical Intelligence is Exceptional Your General Knowledge is Exceptional |
It's been another long weekend and much has happened since I last wrote. I now have one week left until I can officially move into my new home. My babe is half way there and will be moved in as soon as our bed arrives. I will have to wait until prac this week is over. It seems like an unbelievably long time right now. Even today seems to be creeping along so slowly. I have made some headway in packing up my room. Yet there still seems to be so much to go. It is really quite frustrating. This is all this stuff at the top of the cupboard and down the bottom too on both sides. I am really thinking that is won't all get to be done in one car load which is going to piss me off no end. 
Emotionally, I am a bit all over the place. I am feeling excessively frustrated by the amount of things in my room and have been overly emotional about stupid things. Sleep has not been brilliant and I am without a doubt, very stressed. I have so much uni stuff to do as well and it is hard to get myself into gear with that when my primary focus is on moving.
I am going to have to come back to this entry because I am feeling really s***** right now.
Monday, May 15, 2006 13:14:55 - Okay feeling better now. Just done some Pain Management for the third week of prac. Should probably read that in a little more depth before next week comes around but we shall see what we have time for. Finally getting closer to time to leave for prac. It's going to be another long day with sore feet and back. Will have to cannulate real living people who will also be awake. I'm feeling just a tad apprehensive about that...especially seeing I mucked up the one on the unconscious guy in theatre. See how we go. Hopefully we will get to learn a fair bit as there has been another group through last week. In theory that means they know we are coming and will know what we need to do!
This may be my last blog for a little while. At least the last one that gets on the internet. I suspect I will want the early mornings for sleeping this week. That and I want to have most of my stuff packed... So it will be a busy week for the both of us. Me on prac then moving in and my boy will be signing for our bed and fridge (we already have a microwave), as well as organising the inspection report to go back to the real estate and moving some more things out of storage on Tuesday. All that around work and karate! Anyways... gotta go get ready!
Well at long last the hunt is over! We have a house to go to! 
I got the call to say that we had the place and I can say that I was THAT excited about it, the real estate agent must think that I am totally nuts. I had honestly reached the point where I didn't think we would get it. We went down yesterday and paid the first week of rent and my babe will go in on Thursday to pay the second week plus bond. He'll also sign some stuff and I will get to do that on Saturday as I will be in theatre that night. So Saturday will be the day! We get to move in together at long last! I am just so excited! 
Will be a bit weird cause the first week (next week) I have my week in the emergency department at the local hospital where I am currently living so I am going to have to stay here for another week while he is in our new home! Ah well... it will give him a bit of "him time" which he won't have had for the past two weeks.
As some of you may know I am a moderator on TamaTalk and consequently have to deal with a lot of children and those in their early teens. As it is my responsibility to close threads, delete posts, edit posts, issue warnings etc. I will occasionally receive hate mail either by email through TamaTalk, through PMs or through my website. I have become quite accustomed to that and it doesn't both me. One recent interaction did. It had nothing to do with the usual hate mail in relation to my work on TT but rather an assumption about the very little that has appeared on this website. It reminded me so strongly just how judgemental and lacking insight most children and teenagers are and just how easily they will decide for someone else what apparently, any situation is! What was said wasn't exactly offensive simply because I know the above fact and take everything that is said to me by those kids with a grain of salt. I am more disturbed by the principle of the matter. We are supposed to be moving towards time where there is greater tolerance to people, where there are open minds and hearts etc, yet the children that are making up our newest generation seem to be proving again and again that they are perhaps even more judgemental and thoughtless than ever before and even basic logic fails to prevail. Logic would say that it is not appropriate and just plain rediculous to form a judgement of any given situation based on website where bare minimum of information is provided and personal knowledge of the owner is unknown... It appears that logic is no longer being taught in schools anymore and clearly parents are not doing a great deal to teach it or at least encourage insight. Perhaps it is just a stage, perhaps in the future they will change after being victim to their own intolerance for so long... or perhaps not.. The unfortunate thing is that against the big world, that lack of maturity in thought and interaction provides very little credibility and perhaps after struggling againsts those that do have the power, they will learn in order to survive. We can only hope.. 
[/RANT]
Anyways, that be the end of that rant. Today I really need to get Epidemiology finished so I can take it in on Friday for submission. I don't have all the much to go realistically as the essay can become quite in depth and complex very quickly. I am really also not too concerned about doing well as I think the exam will be relatively easy. Speaking of which... curse preliminary Saturday exams! 
I think it might be time for a random quiz! 
| On Average, You Would Sell Out For |
 |
I woke up for the second time this morning and suddenly the stress had kicked in. Yet another place gone that we can't inspect and no word back from the other place we applied for.. I don't have a good feeling about that one. Want to wait until 1pm or something like that before I call again. We have arranged for another inspection on Wednesday that I won't be able to go to because of prac and we will try to get to the inconvenient one at 4pm this afternoon. Time just seems to slip away and we seem to be coming up against brick walls everywhere. I wouldn't have thought it would have been that hard to rent a place for six months. Mind you, it's probably me causing the problem...an unemployed uni student... Though a lot of it has come from not actually being able to get to see place to begin with because they are taken by the time we get to them. I've been trying to remain upbeat but it is just getting more and more difficult.
I have to do Epidemiology today and my brain is just not with that at all. I don't want to do the stupid literature critique. I just want to curl in a ball and sleep...hope that it all goes away... if only!! *sigh*
On the bright side, we went and saw Scary Movie 4 last night. I have to say that is was great! It suited my sense of humour right down to a tee and it was just so good to have a good laugh late at night in a theatre that was virtually empty with my beautiful boy next to me!
I had to write about this now or it would never end up happening..or if it did, without the same enthusiasm! Tonight I went and saw MI-3 with a few of my favourite people. Overall, I can say that I really liked the movie. It had a good story line with a few good twists etc. However, like any good medical person would know, there are a few major flaws with that movie that had me less than impressed (aside from one particular scene with some rediculous travel between builidings). If you haven't yet seen the movie and do intend to, you may not wish to read my critique... I will try to be as vague as possible in relation to story line. 
But then for some reason decided that it was possible to restart their heart by defibrillating again! Wrong! The purpose of defibrillation is to send a current to stop the heart in hope that it will spontaneously restart in a coordinatred manner... if the heart is already stopped you can't stop it any further!
Anyway... we went for a real estate hunt today and found another four possibilities. Two are good, one is alright and one is a little less preferable again because of its location. Hopefully we won't need to worry about any of them... hopefully our application will work out ok. Today I got to spend time with my babe. I'm happy!
Bifurcation really has nothing to do with this entry... the word just popped into my head for some reason and I couldn't really think of a better entry name. Today is Friday! Next week is prac. I have been rostered on to all the afternoon shifts which means 2pm-9pm. How inconvenient is that! Anyways, week one is theatre on Wednesday and Thursday which means I can finish my Epi assignment on Monday, go in, get my matrix on Tuesday and adjust if need be and then hand it in. I will then have Friday off. Week two will be emergency and I'll have to do morning study to catch up with things - not something I enjoy and the third week will be skills practice and epi stuff. I might actually go to the lecture on Friday next week. I want to keep up with that as much as I can.
Less worried about what was bothering me yesterday morning, today. Things will sort themselves out in time... I think someone else will make mention of the situation anyway. It's funny how a call in the morning can seem like something or doable and then about an hour later it's impossible and then 24 hours later it doesn't even matter anymore! Anyways, I have found two good sites to procrastinate at: www.i-am-bored.com and www.youthink.com The second one of these is my favourite... lots of random questions! Go have a look! I will link them eventually in my links page.
What do you do when you know something that someone else should know that is going to hurt them, that you don't want to hurt them with, that you can't really tell them because there are other factors which would make things appear to reflect poorly on you when in reality those factors are irrelevant and shouldn't reflect in any way at all? Confused? I am... I have an obligation but I also have love and the desire to see this person happy. I really should do something but I am probably not the best person to do it and if I did it may mean that what should happen won't or things will be bad between us for it... I don't want that. My relationship with them is the most important thing to me and I love them dearly. I don't want them to be hurt and I don't want to hurt us in the process. I guess realistically I shouldn't be the one to do anything...
So what do you do if you open your mouth to someone else in a hope that the situation may be a little more clearly cut and they can deal with it better without silly factors getting in the way... only to find that information is riddled with lies meaning nothing can be done and it may again look bad for you? It shouldn't be too bad.. I can defend against that again with the same logic for my initial confusion. This should be left alone. Why are some people such back stabbing, lying, horrible, nasty, anal, self-important, narcissistic bitches? Why does it take so long for them to undo themselves. Why is it the most beautiful people are the ones who see it last and are the ones who will ultimately get hurt the most. Why? I am involved with a gorgeous beautiful person who is being played be an evil horrid nasty (all of the above) type person and doesn't know it. What to do...?
The first entry for the first of May. It's Monday and it has been a long weekend, more than just literally. It feels like an age ago that I walked out the door with my bags packed ready for one to three nights with my babe. As I sit here now I am aware my back is a little fused, my fingers are wrinkled and cuticles split and my hands smells undeniably like bleach. I feel tired in that way like I've had my energy progressively zapped over time. This afernoon I walk away from that house for the very last time... We did manage it all... walls, ceiling, windows, lawn, pest control etc. all done. All that's left is the carpet cleaning. Things are to be different....
It's been a somewhat emotional weekend in a few different ways. For me, feeling like I'm about to lose my babe, losing something I am familiar with while stressing about uni and prac and everything else. Other things for my boy... Right now I've been home for roughly an hour.. I am waiting for time to go by so I can go to bed. I've had enough. I need to sleep properly! I feel empty cause he won't even be on MSN. Trials ahead... Now all that's left is to find a place for US.