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Really long line of green stuff

*Thursday, September 27, 2007 17:38:49

It would be nice to smile a bit more... that would be nice. The problem is that I don't feel all happy like smiling. I've realised the major assignment that was due in three months in now due in two weeks. Panic Where did time go??? I've got three working weeks left at my prac station and then it is all over and I have to work my butt off to try and get up to speed for the remaining assessments that I have to pass so I can finish this degree... let alone qualify.

RAV has sent me a letter of offer to be stationed at Sebastopol which is a neighbouring suburb of Ballarat. This with $2000 fortnightly wage as just a student..... :-D I am still weighing things up at the moment and need a little more information about the graduate program and the roster of such a station. Then I will make a decision and I think I am finally leaning towards that way....

This stress thing is really dodgy. I've got so much to do and so little time to do it in and why is that I've been on prac for how many weeks now and everyone just has to be socially inclined during the times when I really need to be at home to work on my assessments.

Anyone out there who can put my head straight... give me a yell... tongue

Hooray... night shift tonight. Strange that I don't care. Maybe that is because I am not patient care...

Mood: Whatever Whatever

Lemming plays golf on the hard rule

Thursday, September 20, 2007 14:40:48

Another double night shift down... Only four weeks left to go. I handled these ones quite well this time although I was really quite tired last night. Today I was going to let myself sleep but I've not been feeling too bad. Been meaning to go to bed for about three hours now. I really should try just having that three or four hours of unbroken sleep that I usually start off with... This is just a no win situation. If I sleep all day then I don't sleep at night and it takes a week to get things back in order. If I stay awake all day I feel completely rubbish like I do now. I mean that from psychological perspective. Everything that happens on the negative side is magnified and my response is highly immature. Staying awake all day also means that I am screwed when it comes to training. *looks wasted*

I have to train tonight.... can't get out of senior training but know I will perform terribly. What is the answer here? Perhaps I need to look at doing some post graduate something and finding another job.... :-( This is why I should sleep. I'm emotional over this... BLUDGEON

Ok that's all... I can't put all the things I am thinking and feeling on paper in a sensible fashion..

Mood: Depressed Depressed

Lemming plays golf on the hard rule

Tuesday, September 18, 2007 11:52:00

I haven't really been feeling good lately. I'm not enjoying the work at the moment for reasons that I can't really put here. I am largely unappreciative of the workload as far as uni goes too. It is hard keeping up with these blogs we have to do for every shift. Sometimes I have to read deeply in order to find a point of learning for the day. I've also realised that my major assignment will be due soon and I am running out of opportunities and time to do that in... I've not seen my family in weeks. I've missed my niece's birthday and father's day. My parents have moved house without me even having seen any of the process. I'm supposed to be catching up with two of my crowd on Saturday... my only free day... *looks stressed*

I'm feeling a bit depressed and a bit stressed. My respective ambulance services are tightening the noose around me and I have still not come to a solid decision in regards to what I want to do and am not looking forward to having to reapproach the boy again. At least I've made steps to get a hold of some comparison material from RAV. This is something that I am beginning to be aware of every day.

I think I am just going through one of those annoying life phases. *shrug* Apparently, I am not really immune to them anymore. I don't know if this is what I want to do for a job. I don't know if I want to go to Victoria and even less do I know if I want another two years of being assessed. I don't like shift work. I don't like being tired all the time. I don't like missing karate.

I am having difficulty speculating as to why I am feeling the way I am. Perhaps he's right when we says it is different after you graduate. I don't even know what my gut is saying... I feel like my brain is cloudy and polluted. I like the security I've got here. I know my place and I know how things work. Soon I won't have anyone but ICPs telling me what to do and being pedantic about the way things are done. *sigh* I like the money. I like uni. I can't really have both very well. Not in this job. I don't know what else to do if I don't do this. I just don't know... *looks confused*

On the bright side, I had a bit of fun making equations and creating a spreadsheet to compare phone plans. I enjoyed the challenge. :-)

I'm just not in the mood... Stupid night shift...

Mood: Low Low

Lemming plays golf on the hard rule

Thursday, September 13, 2007 ~23:00

Occasionally, I have days or events where I realise something important or a significant events happens that alters some of my personal views. Not long ago, I had a D & M with a friend and came to realise that academia and a general defining sharpness and intelligence are something which with I have come at identify myself. The fact that post recovery I have lost much what used to be means that I have lost something that I can identify myself with and therefore, feel incomplete. The difficulty that arises is that much I liked what I was and I feel strongly against any suggestion that I should or may need to redefine my parameters.

I guess what also has been highlighted is the fact that I am still working out who I am... even though I didn't really think there was anything that was to be worked out.

Today I went to one of the major universities for a fitness test. It is the biggest and oldest uni of all in existence in the south east of our state and my experience there has been limited. As I arrived I felt that familiar rush. The rush of something new and exciting, the sound of people talking and uni things happening all around. I felt the same way before I left high school. I have really become quite comfortable in this kind of lifestyle. Unfortunately, noone is going to finance me a wage to go to uni. :-(

I found the building I was after and then went searching for a room number. I felt somewhat intimidated because there were people of my age around and I felt that they would know by looking at me that I was not one of them. I was stopped by someone who seemed to be interested in helping me. I thought they might have been staff and expecting me. Then my brain came into focus when I realised that it was a friend from back in my first high school. In about 10 minutes we did a bit of a catch and she filled me in on who was doing what. Nothing that was overly surprising. A lot of my year have gone and had children. I guess my home town was not one known for ambition. There were a few success stories though and she was doing a PhD which completely blew my mind. I feel like a fall so short in my academic abilities these days.

While we talked I noticed just how she had grown. She looked much the same but her interaction was more mature and it seemed to me like she had become confident in herself and sure of what she was doing. I couldn't help but wonder what she saw of me... whether I was still the same old person. Physically, I am pretty close to what I was when I left high school so probably not the much different to the first place. I wouldn't know how I came across though. Sometimes I feel so much younger than I am and sometimes so much older. :-S

It wasn't long before she had to go and I had to get to my appointment. I walked in the door and was greeted by someone my own age who was replaced with yet another of the same. I felt even more upended when the "exercise physiologist" rocked up and turned out to be two years younger than me. I found myself wondering where the adult or the experienced person was.... Suddenly I understood. I understood what it must be like for a middle aged or elderly person to have someone like me turn up in uniform when they call for an ambulance. I wonder what they see. I wonder how they feel. I felt strange just being in a room with someone younger who was a "professional" just for a fitness test. I wonder how it is to have someone like me doing invasive procedures and taking care in a medical crisis. I understand but at the same time I cannot fully understand. I don't really want to be older. I am in no rush... but at the same time I know that it is going to be a long time before how I am looked at does change. I guess this is something that I should keep in mind and perhaps will alter the way I interact with my patients.

What was also interesting was the interaction with the exercise physiologist. It was all a bit textbook and almost counselling or psychology. "How has your day been?" "What would you say has been the best part of your day?" "Do you do any sport?" "What does that involve?" etc. It allowed for a good interaction throughout the tests. I thought about such implementation in ambulance work but thought better of it because you can't just ask a person about their day and the best part etc. when they are sick and vomiting or otherwise. But I guess the underlying theme was to keep engaging and building rapport. I guess I could learn from that too with my introverted nature....

It has been an eye opener of a day and it has been good to get it down on paper. Maybe tonight I will sleep better again...

Mood: Burdened burdened

Lemming plays golf on the hard rule