Page 5 of Bell Sprout's E-Journal

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Friday, February 17, 2006 09:57:54

It's been a while since I've written in here but I am feeling creative. I sense that it might be time to design a new webpage... possibly just a blog.... I don't know just yet... but I think the next one will be more white. I was reading the entry from Nov 17... I don't even remember what happened then that was so terrible. Clearly it wasn't quite as much the end of the world that I had thought that it was....

Hmmm... just wish I had an idea what it is that I want to create!!!

Mood: Creative
Music: Two Mix - White Reflection

Friday, November 18, 2005 13:39:29

I'm just whiling away the time at the moment. My babe will be picking me after school this afternoon... waiting for that to happen! I am wearing my gi pants and the official GKR crop top thing that is design to go with the chest guard. It's not quite as smothering as my other ones though it comes down to the bottom of my ribs which feels a bit strange. Will see how it goes... if it trains well and doesn't fade into see-through-ness too quickly I might consider purchasing some more for myself. Also have to see if I get used to how long they are. They really do stretch a lot!

Feeling the hunger pains now... might have to go steal something to eat. See I'm all better now, I can't write anything!

Mood: Content

Music: Tony O'Connor - Dune

Thursday, November 17, 2005 10:13:44

I'm tired, in a shitty mood and somewhat depressed. Didn't get to bed until late last night. My head is turning and turning and turning and turning. The dumb side of this is the person responsible for this is probably going about life like nothing else and not even giving a s***. Though I supposed I should be thankful this happened now as opposed to the end of semester or part way through. Just want everything to go away. Just want to be happy. This has been the worst start to the holidays I've had in my entire life. It's pretty sad when I can say that. I'm thinking I might just go back to bed or something.

Mood: Depressed

Music: None

Wednesday, November 16, 2005 15:38:15

Done! I wasn't sure I liked it to begin with but I went and played with my niece who was visiting again and now I feel much better about it. I feel it could do with some more colour and I guess I might get round to doing something about that soon. In the meantime I will probably stick to making new foods.

I love my niece and she loves me so much. She runs around the house calling my name and asking me to play. She's fantastic. I feel so lucky to have been rejected from medicine all those years ago... seems so long ago now. I have been able to watch her grow up. I didn't realise it at the time but my not entering medicine has been the start of so many amazing things in my life. I have gotten to see Katie grow, I've got a wonderful, fantastic boyfriend who loves me very much and that I love very much too, I am starting a new exciting course that is the first of its kind in a career which will probably suit me much better than medicine ever would and I got to teach karate. I also got to get to my black belt and live in this new place that my parents have and meet so many new people. I knew at the begining of 2005 that I was going to be entering something great... it didn't happen all at once and most not even that year but gosh hasn't it paid off. I am so thankful for what I have.

Today has been a beautiful day. Now I am just hoping that Saturday will be the same.

Mood: Contented
Music: Snoop Dogg feat. Charlie Wilson & Justin Timberlake - Signs

Wednesday, November 16, 2005 10:05:19

I'm in a shi**y mood cause I'm tired. I didn't sleep well last night. Spent a good proportion of it just lying awake thinking and then it was storming and carrying on... just a poor night of sleep. Consequently, I am in an agro mood. I've just put together a folder to give back. It was the folder I was given when I first starting instructing. I've given back the bare minimums and some old out of date stuff. It's irresponsible but I'm the one who will have to fight to get new material so bugger it if they think I am going to give it all back that easily. I even included a few other inter-regional timetables in there. They should be happy. Everything is coming back in equal condition to what it was given to me.

In the meantime I've decided to be creative and develop the tamagotchi section into a separate page as it is getting far too long and people are quite clearly stupid and can't be bothered reading from top to bottom and instead prefer to whinge to me that I haven't provided enough information. Bull****! I give more than the majority of websites around, Bandai's website included!

I'm so tired.

Mood: Agro and tired

Music: Narcotic Thrust - When the Dawn Breaks

Tuesday, November 15, 2005 13:33:08

It's a hot, hot day. I've spent most of it in my room under the fan to keep cool. It's a yucky humid kind of state and I can hear the first rumbling of thunder. I'm also suffering some pretty nasty hunger pains... I might just get some fantastic tasting birthday cake to fix that!

This is panning out to be a pretty good week. Yesterday was a great day. Still has me feeling good. Tonight I get to see my bf.

I have my first R10 black belt training on Thursday night and then I am saying at my bf's on Friday night. The beach outing is on Saturday (as long as the skies stay clear) and Saturday night is dinner. Should be an awesome week. On my first official week of holidays, I am pretty happy!

I really don't have much to talk about. I am in too much of a good mood!

Mood: Happy
Music: None

Saturday, November 12, 2005 23:43:43

This is probably as close to self harm as I get. When I am unhappy I don't sleep. I just stay up all night. Unfortunately, there is not a whole lot to do. TamaTalk is offline yet again due to the server move and not much is happening on the forum either because most people are at Sean's party or are asleep. So I have found myself wasting away the hours playing the word search games and repetitevely checking to see if TamaTalk is back of there are any new posts on the forum. Then I check my emails and find nothing there. I'm drowning the feelings in music. I really wish I had some more upbeat stuff.

I miss my babe. I wish he was here. I wish I was with him. I wish I didn't feel so sad and I don't know why I have had this sudden relapse. I guess it has been all the exam stress as well as the paramedic testing and then the regional shift and what not that has sort of been building up. I don't really feel stress anymore until it gets extreme. Then I feel it a lot. It's not a bad thing except that I end up like this if I am not aware of what is happening to me.

I don't like feeling angry. I know when I am like this I fly between anger and sadness very quickly. At least now I can recognise how irrational it is and can prevent myself from doing stupid. I am not yet able to deal with it as such and will often recess with thoughts like "Fine! I will just go and die here all by myself". I find it almost amusing to type.

I have expectations of the world around me. I know that. I guess because I expect to get what I give. I don't know whether I give too much or what the case is but I need to learn not to expect that much.

Tomorrow will be an interesting day. Well technically it is today now. I know I've been going on about it a lot but it is likely to be a nasty experience. The person I had intended to travel with is no longer going so I had to get a lift with one of my backstabbers from the past. I feel like they are all looking down on me. I know they will ask me stuff and I don't want to have to answer or talk to them. I know that anything I say will be used against me. I am there as a visiting instructor. I wouldn't even bother being in gi but I want to give Wayne the best possible support. This is one of those times I just can't believe how things have changed. I never would have though that I would end up leaving the Sunshine Coast. But I never would have thought that everyone could turn around and shift me off so quickly either.

Some day in the future it will not matter. Part of me feels guilty for walking away from certain people who are there. I just don't want to train there cause I will have to train amongst people who don't like me and will make my existence uncomfortable. I owe so much to Craig. He's always been there, pushing me to be better. He's the one who's always gotten me ready and sent me to grading. He trained me well. He let me sempai even after he took over the class at Woody Point. He's never taken sides or backstabbed me. Simon is another person. I haven't trained a lot with him but he has always been incredibly supportive of me in my good times and bad. He's made me feel better about myself and my karate and given me something to strive towards in karate ability and attitude. I am yet to meet a more humble, more respectful, lovely person.

I've said it before but I feel displaced. R10 was a place that I trained in a lot and was comfortable with that. R24 was home. I just don't feel like R10 is home despite having been training in there for a year and a half of the five years I've been doing karate. It's all so different. People are different, the karate is different, the attitudes are different. Some things are so much better and others are a quite distasteful. I know I will get used to it all in time... I just don't feel like dealing with that right now. I don't have the sense of adventure I usually have when exploring something new... I have fear.

I feel like an imposter and that I am not good enough. I am afraid of what other will think of me. I am afraid of being rejected...

*sigh* Wish someone could just come down and make it all better. I just want this all to go away!

Mood: Tired and depressed

Music: Snoop Dogg feat. Justin Timberlake - Signs

Friday, November 11, 2005 21:01:16

You are... Level 1-3 in Super Mario Bros.!!!
Remember the 1-Up!

Often underappreciated, as Level 1-3 in Super Mario Bros.,
you are the strong, silent, sensitive type that many people desire
in a life partner. Most people overlook you simply because
your predecessor has catchy background music ("Da-da-da-da-da-da!").
Nonetheless, you have a wonderful warmth -- people around you
often feel as if they are in the clouds, or even jumping on treetops.
Do not confuse the fact that people never want to leave your presence
with any sort of general attractiveness -- in fact, it is just that those folks are not eager
to confront the evil, fiery, Bowser-guarded underworld that lies beyond you.
PS - Thank you, Mario! But our Princess is in another castle!

Take the Personality Quiz, brought to you by Mr. Poon.

This is interesting cause I got something different the first time I did it!

This is actually a different one!

I solved Grow Cube!!!

Click here to play Grow Cube!

I solved Grow RPG!!! Click here to play Grow RPG

Yes I went through a bit of a Grow phase cause I went back to Pointlesssites.com and discovered that there was a new version of Grow... two of them at that! I have to say that I really do like the Grow series! They are funky and actually do work for my thinking style I think!

Anyway, I am home for the first time in age on a Friday... feeling mildly depressed. It's been a bit of a difficult week for me. Just would really appreciate a big hug right now!

Mood: Depressed

Music: I'm A Different Person

Wednesday, September 07, 2005 23:33:27

I did a little bit of updating here cause I thought it was time to stake claim to my black belt. The 3rd was one of the most amazing experience in my karate life! It has breathed a whole new life into my training. It's weird. I suddenly understand some thing and I don't even know how or when I came to understand them. I just know that I do!

The grading was awesome. It was no where near as bad as I thought it would be. I performed like I haven't performed in months and was focused in a way that I have never been for any time longer than for a single combination. So much so that I was largely unaware of what the people on either side of me were doing and even the guy in front. That was "the zone" so to speak. It was like everything just came together and there is was. I got so much support from all my friends and it was just terrific. I know that I will yet again go through some ups and downs but this is something that I will never forget. Five hard years of blood, sweat and tears (quite literally) coming together for one day.

I feel like I've stepped over a line... a line that seemed so hard to get across but it really wasn't what I thought. I feel like I am just starting on a brand new adventure and a new level of learning. I feel like I am coming alive in my karate again. I have something to look forward to! I don't care what anyone else thinks. This is self satisfying. Saturday proved that I can bring back the flare I used to have and that I can focus and that I can survive a fair bit of work and I can push through pain and I can recover quickly. Saturday I proved so much to myself and removed much of my self doubt. I have a new confidence and drive. To be here, it was all worth the effort.

Mood: Excited
Music: None

Thursday, September 01, 2005 22:10:18

I should be in bed. It's still early and I should be trying to get some sleep. I'm awake and full of energy. It is nervous energy of course. I'm going to drive myself nuts. I am definately not looking forward to having to do this again too soon! I'm worrying about stupid things. I just had a shower and I was debating about whether I should wash my hair because I don't want it to be all afro on Saturday and it would be worse cause I'm not training and putting loads of sweat in it Friday. But then I figured that if I wash it I can wear it out tomorrow and that it won't be brilliant anyway cause if I got bed with it wet it behaves unwashed anyway!!!

I'm going into multitasking mayhem! I keep trying to do 10 things at once!

Alright multitasking is over. I am burned out. Just need to upload this stuff and then I can go to bed. My eyes are stinging now. Time for sleep...

Mood: Tired
Music: None

Thursday, September 01, 2005 18:41:25

Your Birthdate: November 19

Your birth on the 19th day of the month adds a tone of independence and extra energy to your life path. But at the same time, it poses a number of obstacles to overcome before you are able to be as independent as you would like. The number 1 energy suggests more executive ability and leadership qualities than your path may have indicated. A birthday on the 19th of any month gives greater will power and self-confidence, and very often a rather original approach. However, a somewhat self-centered approach to life that may be in conflict with some of the other influences in your life. This 1 energy may diminish your ability and desire to handle details, preferring instead to paint with a broad brush. You are sensitive, but your feeling stay somewhat repressed. You have a compelling manner that can be dominating in many situations. You do not tend to follow convention or take advice very well. Consequently, you tend to learn through experience; sometimes hard experiences. The 19/1 is a loner number and you may experience feelings of being alone even if you are married. You may take on a tendency to be nervous and angry.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

20 Questions to a Better Personality

Wackiness: 40/100
Rationality: 38/100
Constructiveness: 60/100
Leadership: 26/100

You are a SECF--Sober Emotional Constructive Follower. This makes you a Hippie.

You are passionate about your causes and steadfast in your commitments. Once you've made up your mind, no one can convince you otherwise. Your politics are left-leaning, and your lifestyle choices decidedly temperate and chaste.

You do tremendous work when focused, but usually you operate somewhat distracted. You blow hot and cold, and while you normally endeavor on the side of goodness and truth, you have a massive mean streak which is not to be taken lightly. You don't get mad, you get even.

Please don't get even with this web site.

Of the 129856 people who have taken this quiz since tracking began (8/17/2004), 10.3 % are this type.

http://hokev.brinkster.net/quiz/default.asp?quiz=Better+Personality&page=1

You scored as Pride.

Pride

63%

Sloth

44%

Wrath

38%

Gluttony

38%

Greed

19%

Envy

Lust

Seven deadly sins
created with QuizFarm.com

Right, I thought I might actually do a journal entry to get rid of all these quizzes that I've managed to accumulate since I last posted. Also I figured seeing I have no officially moved here, I should probably christen this place with an entry. Much to my annoyance, the files I went to upload by webpage were rejected because they already exist. Stupid file manager. If the FTP was being cooperative then I wouldn't have this problem.

Yes, I am being a moody sod at the moment. I'm stressed to say the least. Tomorrow could potentially be one of the biggest days of my life. Well actually not tomorrow, Saturday. I am going for my shodan-ho grading. I'm scared as anything and sooo nervous. Hasn't done much for my mood. Feeling intolerant and very sensitive. I'm rather frightened of not being able to get through or of failing or something. I keep getting told that I will be fine but I can never really be sure. I know what will be involved but each time is just a little bit different to the last.

I wish my intestines would just settle down and be quiet. That's partly a gluten overload and partly nervousness. My teeth also feel like they are going to fall out! *sigh* I haven't been this nervous about anything this far in advance. Even performing oral presentations.

Anyway, once this over I can get on with my life. It has been the source of much of my pain and tears in the last few months. The good thing though is I now have some zing for karate again. I will also have something new to aim for and a new kata to work on! Gosh I'm scared!

Mood: Nervous
Music: None

Saturday, August 13, 2005 20:53:29

Today has been a long day in its own way. First time I've been home in a few weeks on the weekend. It was good just to be able to get some sleep and play with the website for a bit. Some new images were long over due. My somewhat antisocial mood has not lifted all that much. That is beginning to concern me. I'm not usually like this unless I have PMT which I haven't had since I got put on the pill years and years back. I'm thinking it might not be a good idea to go off...

Not much else to say other than I am beginning to feel really guilty about uni and stressed at that too. I really need to get myself into action.

Anyway, Katie's birthday tomorrow night. Should be good. A love that kid!

Mood: Funny/weird/whatever
Music: These words are my own, from my heart flow. I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you!

Thursday, August 11, 2005 17:18:45

Temporarily inspired to fix up the tamagotchi images until I screwed something up. Just not in the mood really. Feeling largely quite energetic. Been on a bit of a downer the past few days. Don't really feel much like talking about it. A few things going on which I have to sort out. Nothing that I can't deal with of course. Major one tonight... fix up the teaching. Not much looking forward to that. *sigh*

Mood: Tense
Music: Traffic

Thursday, July 28, 2005 17:18:14

I've got music in my head and I feel so calm. My world just feels so stable and everything is going to be just fine. Things are different now and that was always going to be the case but it feels that much better now. The lessons have been learned and there is this far greater and deeper understanding. I want this to last forever. I want this to be the way it is always...

I don't know where my week has gone but I wish I could live it over and over again.

It's been the best week I've had in so long... I don't care that I didn't take my class and I don't care that I am not at training tonight. I don't care that I've barely been to uni all week. I'm in a new world and it's the best place to be. I hope it stays this way forever...just you are me..

Mood: So content...
Music: The song in my head just floating around in there...

Friday, July 15, 2005 00:47:48

YOU ARE TARAKOTCHI - You are mischevious and
naughty and love to roll about, though you have
a charming smile and definitely need friends.

Which Tamagotchi Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I got growled at the other day for not having put a new journal entry up sooner, so I am going to do one now.

I'm not really sure what to write. I guess it is the last week of holidays for me... or should I say the end of the last week for me which means my freedom will be greatly reduced again. I have Tuesdays off which is a big bonus but other than that I will be there every day. Friday is going to be a nightmare cause I will be there from 7am -7pm. I will have to go to training straight from uni and possibly will have to leave early if I am to make it before class starts. See when the time comes. I should see how long it takes me to get there tomorrow (or today) from KG on my way.

Throat feels a bit funny which is not good. Means I will have to watch out for the flu. Don't fancy being sick for the fourth time this year. I sat out of senior training tonight cause I had a killer headache and it was making me queasy. Was interesting though. Could really see what levels different people were at. I think I have written about that before somewhere in the past.

New forum is going great. I love the atmosphere. Feels fantastic and it is great to see people posting there who normally don't post at all or very rarely. Gotta get up with the whole public knowledge bit which means gettinng some more links up in various places. That will give me something to do in the coming days.

I really don't have that much to talk about right now... at least nothing that I want to talk about on the internet! Really kinda tired. Been babysitting all day!

She's the most adorable thing but it takes it out of you!

Anyways, is all for now.

Mood: Satisfied
Music: I don't seem to listen to music these days!!

Friday, July 08, 2005 04:37:06

It's early morning and I have not been to bed. I didn't bother tonight cause I knew I would not sleep.

There has been a lot of bad stuff going on and unfortunately I have managed to get smack in the centre of it. There are a lot of angry people and I suspect some of them are angry at me. Thing is I was trying to do the right thing.

I really wish the whole situation would just go away. I guess what's done is done. A very wise and close friend of mine told me that in time all the anger and hurt will subside. It's true. It will. It always does. I just wish I could skip across to that time right now.

Enough of that. I'm too tired to expend more energy on being upset.

I've had a bit of a TamaTalk rebirth. Don't know why. Perhaps something else to do with my time or perhaps just a revival of the interest that was already there. Who knows. Been posting there a lot. The site has grown considerably in the last 6 months. The average age there seems to be about 10-11 years old, so you can guess the content of site. There is a lot of rubbish to wade through. Surprisingly though, I am far from the oldest person on the site. There are quite a number of 30+ year olds!

Helps me feel a little less rediculous at times. The thing is that I learn quite a lot from the site...at the moment anyway cause I am trying to set up a whole stack of information for V2 tamagotchi without actually have a V2 myself! Ah well. Got other things to spend my money on at the moment.

Okay, I think I am going to head to bed now...

Mood: I don't know
Music: My brain's jukebox!

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