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Wednesday, June 29, 2005 08:34:17

Last journal entry for this page and what a fitting time for it. This website has become so popular that I've managed to exceed the month's bandwidth and have been shut down until July! shock! I've been searching for a new webhost to bear this site. 1000MB per month doesn't seem to be enough. I have a few different places in mind and I figure I have at least a month to get things organised. The change has brought about a bit of inspiration to clean things up and perform a much needed update in the tamagotchi section. I now have some version 2 stuff on there.

I really need to get a v2 of my own. It will help a lot with the process but I will have to wait for some money to do that. In the meantime I can achieve quite a lot by looking in the right places. I now have a number of v2 bits and pieces as well as stacks of characters and will soon have a the first of my still life images and animations. I will hold off developing a spoiler table until I get a v2 but I might however, create a seperate section for V2 bits and pieces. I shall see how it goes.

I'm looking at creating a graphical link to my paramedic journal and hopefully I will be able to put out a little Bell Sprout button that Rivenn created to link to me on their site! *grin* It looks really cool. I have to wait for permission first tho.

In the meantime I really need to sleep. I have been up all night on this task as I have been so excited but it is taking its toll. My brain feels rediculous!

Mood: Productive productive, excited excited, cold cold and very sleepy! sleeping
Music: I have the chorus of a song in my head that goes "I'm a different person!"



Sunday, June 26, 2005 02:30:35

Boredom and procrastination lead me to strange places. I discovered that you can cheat on Minesweeper. Minesweeper was a game that I didn't know how to play for a long time...then I read the instructions and ever since I was pro. I have, when bored enough, even done the really big difficulty and gotten it out. For some obscure reason I decided to search for a cheat for Minesweeper...even though I really thought it wouldn't be possible to get one! Lo and behold! A cheat so does exist. It is possible to cheat on every game in creation...or so it would seem! Why you would use a cheat on something like minesweeper is completely beyond me as it defeats the purpose of the entire game. Anyway, if you should so be interested, if you type in xyzzy and then hit enter followed by shift, you will notice a sole pixel on the top left hand corner of your screen (when only your desktop is there behind the game) that flashed white on a clear space and black on a mine! Sadly enough, it actually works too!

Anyhow, I might get to bed before 4am tonight. I really need to do something about my sleep cycles. Preferably before uni starts back again. I do realise this is a fair way away but it takes about 2 weeks to set things straight (apparently). Tomorrow will be a final study day. Monday is exam day, Monday afternoon sister and niece visitation, Monday night...ambulance shift!!! *sirens wail* I still get so excited every time I hear a siren. I seem to be magnetised towards ambulances too. I never realised just how many there are on the road until recently! shock horror!

How am I? I don't really know. I am well all round. I'm a tad stressed cause I haven't done much for my exam today. I choose not to elaborate here but I am also confused and achy. It's background tho. More important things to look forward to right now! *grin* Like.... finishing level 50 of 149 of Chip's Challenge! Yes, this is a game that has recaptivated me. I got quite high up on my old computer and in the middle of last night I had a sudden urge to play it yet again... even with the annoying music! I am amazed by just how many ideas they came up with for all those levels!!! There are few games with so many levels! I like it cause it is not too difficult but at the same time it gets me thinking. I remember my ex-boyfriend from high school introduce me to it and gave it to me (along with a bunch of other games) to play. I've been hooked ever since. Actually Abandonia also had Blood which is another game I used to play with him, his sister and a his friends on the network. What was destinctive about it was that you didn't have all the modern weapons that could shoot really muchly and blow things to bits... but you did have your trusty old pitchfork! *grin* We used to stab each other to death and if we did it really well, then sometimes the head would bounce. Of course there was lots of blood. That's one game I wouldn't mind play on network again.

I picked up One Must Fall 2097 as well. I can't get the sound to play right. But the actual game runs fine. I used to love OMF too. I found out there is a new version out or coming out or something along those lines!! It's called One Must Fall: Battlegrounds! It's all fully 3D with amazing graphics. Talk about taking it to the next level. From the few screenshots I can see it looks like all the old bots done up professionally. Looks good though I somehow doubt I would be any good at it! Might have to do some more research on that one.

Right, well this would have been an outstandingly boring entry for anyone bar me. Sorry!

Mood: Ok OK
Music: None



Saturday, June 25, 2005 16:25:13

Last night I found the most awesome website!! *grin* It's like packed full of those really old games!! Anyone who knows me well knows that I am a sucker for all those old games! It's got things like CD Man, Zool, Lemmings and Alley Cat and One Must Fall. I'm totally in love with it! I was just looking for Chip's Challenge. I had a craving to play it... don't know why... but yeah I came across it and was just wrapped! It gets better though! They have art work and screen shots and even music from some of the old games too! This one is going on my links list. It's called Abandonia and well worth the visit! I just can't help myself there! *grin*

Mood: Happy *grin*
Music: One of the Lemmings game theme songs!



Friday, June 24, 2005 00:46:31

I started an entry but it was too whingy for my liking. I have come to realise that I am unhappy with multiple aspects of my life right now. Not really sure that there is a lot to be done with a few of them. I'm feeling a tad expendable. Noone seems to want to know me if I am not at the same class, at the same campus, at a BB or at uni. *sigh* I'm frustrated with karate. This is my own doing. I need to put more in but I don't feel like it. I am not trying hard enough and I can't get away with that. Even the lure of a BB isn't enough to get me going anymore. I will probably hate myself in a month in a half but I just can't seem to get started.

I question my teaching. There is so much to do. There is so much I would like to do. I don't think I am a good enough teacher at times. I know that time and experience will change things but I feel like I am not doing enough for my students. I remember all the things I was taught and I wonder if I am teaching them that. I feel unworthy of this task...

There is so much more that I want to say but I don't think this is the place to put it...

Mood: Cold *shivers* and Dissatisfied dissatisfied
Music: In the Shadows - The Rasmus musical



Friday, June 10, 2005 15:30:40

The word of the day is: NEWDEGATE

I don't know why but I saw it in the phone book earlier today and now I can't get it out of my head!!! Anyways, it would seem I have contracted a new admirer! *shock* It was one of those weird kind of things really. He's a really nice guy. Probably two maybe three years older than myself and also a para student. We ended up talking for ages after the exams on Thursday. Yesterday I was a bit apathetic about it all and unconcerned, today I'm feeling quite excited. *grin* New prospects on the horizon. I can't help but feel a lot more confident and attractive today. I actually wore my hair our for the first time in years. It annoyed me but I left it there anyway!

On another high note. I'm down to just a smidgen under 69kg. The new eating habits are working. Only another 5kg to go and then I will completely happy. But this is definately a start. I haven't been on this weight for at least a year or possibly two. It's been so long I can barely remember. I can actually see it when I look in the mirror too. My belly doesn't look quite as pudgy and overall everything seems a little bit more streamlined. I know it sounds absurd but I can always tell...the scales are just my confirmation!

I have managed to get a bit of a cold too. It's only in my chest at the moment and I hope to goodness that it stays that way. I don't fancy another trip to the doctor too soon. Though, I will have to eventually for my Hep B shot and also to do the whole "Assessment to Drive a Commercial Vehicle" thing. Basically it is to make sure that you haven't got any nasty disease that could cause you to career off the road and kill everyone around you!

Newdegate, Newdegate, Newdegate, Newdegate! *grin* Can you tell I am in a good mood??!! I have a shift tonight! Hopefully full of exciting stuff! Maybe even....dare I say it?... a cardiac arrest!!! *sirens* *insert freaky music here*

Mood: Excited and celebratory! excited
Music: My Dad playing songs on his guitar in the lounge!



Tuesday, June 07, 2005 00:58:40

Your Brain is 66.67% Female, 33.33% Male
Your brain leans female You think with your heart, not your head Sweet and considerate, you are a giver But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you!
What Gender Is Your Brain?

Advanced
You scored 92% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 100% Advanced, and 66% Expert!
You have an extremely good understanding of beginner, intermediate, and advanced level commonly confused English words, getting at least 75% of each of these three levels' questions correct. This is an exceptional score. Remember, these are commonly confused English words, which means most people don't use them properly. You got an extremely respectable score.

Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!

For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 39% on Beginner
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You scored higher than 65% on Intermediate
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You scored higher than 89% on Advanced
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You scored higher than 34% on Expert
Link: The Commonly Confused Words Test written by shortredhead78 on OkCupid Free Online Dating


Finally got around to making a decent update. Did a few things on the tamagotchi page and also added a few links as well. Now that just leaves a journal entry to be had.

I'm up late...or early as the case may be but I should be in bed. I had two night shifts in a row and so my body clock in a little bit warped now. Last night was largely uneventful. Four cases all up and one was a transport to Greenslopes. The good thing was that I did get a few hours sleep so the travel to uni to return the Donway and BP cuff wasn't so bad. I had breakfast at midday and went to bed until 7pm. Been awake since then and now here I am.

Been thinking a lot lately. There has been a shift inside me. A bit away from karate and more to paramedic stuff. That's nothing new. But also within myself. I'm feeling lonely again. lonely People keep telling me how I am only 19 and there are so many men out there etc. etc. etc. But that doesn't help that fact that I am feeling alone now. What would be brilliant right now, apart from getting into an ambo uniform so I am not automatically dismissed, would be if some fantastic, sexy, attractive guy turned up out of nowhere and declared their desire for me. I want a guy who is willing to put in a bit in a relationship and that I can feel comfortable talking to when I am frustrated or unhappy. I want a guy who really does love me for who I am and will pay attention to me. I want a guy who will treat me with respect all the time. I want a guy who will surprise me and make me feel all special again. Am I asking too much. I used to think so and then I found somebody who I thought was wonderful... The cracks appeared and what I thought was perfect had far too many faults. I realise now I couldn't really go back. But it has I guess made me believe sometimes that I could get what I want.

I'm thinking it is really time to leave Algester. To leave it well alone. I don't discount the possibility of a visit to my good friends there. However, I know that if I am to keep going forward I need to leave it behind. I don't really belong there anyway. On a Friday I shall invest my energies in the ambulance and when I start to feel my motivation return, I will also return to BB training. Maybe oneday my dreams will come true. But right now I just need someone to love...

Mood: Just a tad melancholic. melcncholic
Music: The music in my head.



Thursday, June 02, 2005 22:06:38

Alright!!! It has been completed. I have created a new Live Journal for my paramedic stuff. I've got journals all over the place!! *gasp* Anyway, the addy is http://www.livejournal.com/users/bell_sprout However, be warned, some people may find the content distressing or somewhat like that so yeah, just be careful. If you choose to read it I take no responsibility for your emotional damages!

Mood: Excited excited
Music: MSN plonking at me



Thursday, June 02, 2005 19:23:36

I have the night off. No senior training. My instructor is not going to be there and they are the only one in my region who I will travel for other than my students. So I am here now and fighting temptations and going around in mental circles. Life is moving. Moving towards my career and away from karate. Away from old people in my vague present and near past and towards the new and unknown...towards my new family. Into something new. Though I wish I could do all this in another state. Start completely fresh. Though it will come. I would not want to be anywhere else but here.

My motivation for karate is dying. I teach and I got to instructor training but that is about it. There is a BB grading a few months away and yet I just don't care. I am appreciating the nights I have off. I will get fit for the paramedic duties but not for karate. I see where my priorities lie. Karate is not exciting. It doesn't capture me anymore. I don't have a thrill. I'm a rolling stone to a degree. Were things any different I would be just like my Dad...

I'm going to start a journal for paramedic specific stuff... more later on that.

Mood: Fighting myself supression
Music: Feel Good Inc. - Gorillaz *listens to music*



Friday, May 20, 2005 00:59:09

It's dark, late and sooo very cold. *shivers a lot* I'm here alone doing my PUB104 assignment that I left to the last minute. I had semiunintentially did that. I really want to go to bed but I have no choice. This needs to get done for tomorrow. It's all gotta be printed and handed in before I go to my paramedic tutorial. How much do I wish there was someone here to talk to! stuck So much to do. My eyes feel sooo heavy. sleepy

01:04:05

I write one sentence and then find something to procrastinate with. I do the word count, find a webpage to look at, write something here or just stare off in to space. I have at least two more paragraphs to write. Can't really put in too much cause there is a 750 word limit imposed. But yet I am still to put in 10 references. Go figure. The whole thing is going to be references from everywhere. I've put in three at this stage but it feels like heaps and I still have another seven to go! shock

01:15:15

Okay! Make that four references now. I am getting better at this game! *grin* Starting to feel my feet turn to ice again. Not good. Might have to go and pile on some more clothes. Or perhaps I could just get on with writing this assignment and go to bed. Though, I hot shower wouldn't go astray. I know if I do go do that, I will end up standing there staring at the wall uselessly for ages. Would rather do that after I am finished when I know I can go to bed and don't feel so guilty for wasting time.

02:19:11

Oh how sad. It has taken me well over an hour to finish one paragraph. say what? On the bright side... I've finished another paragraph!! And I have made it now to five references. I am now very glad that I went and found all the information that I could supporting Duckett when I did rather than leaving it until now. Unfortuantely I have had to resort to quoting people who are directly quoting or referencing Duckett himself. Damned Duckett for being so popular. Why is he so bloody credible??? There is one other guy who I am quite impressed with. They made many arguements over why the rebate was inefficient for the public health system in a very simple way. Praise Peter Davoren! He's a smart cookie. I would rather talk about what he is talking about than Duckett really. Now knowing my luck someone is going to search up Duckett and find this site and then I will receive a nasty email from Duckett telling me to shut my unknowledgable mouth. Oh well. Come and get me! Back to work...

03:39:06

I'm very hungry and very tired. I need a shower and I need food. I have a conclusion to write yet. I have made 10 references and I think somehow out of all the fog, I have also made my points. I can't wait for this to be over with already. I'm going to have to pretend this is night shift and get on with things. I'm so tired and so out of it that I no longer care that there is noone to talk to anymore. *sigh* I need food. Bugger I am over the word limit already...hope references don't count. Of who cares. I am so over this assignment.

03:59:22

Oh my goodness! I am soooo cold. *shivering a lot* My hands are cold, my feet are cold, my body is cold. I wasn't going to, but I am going to have a hot shower. I have gone comma crazy. Too many long complex sentences. Well I am finished. 750 words turned into just over 1000 but I really couldn't care. She can't possibly expect that at university level we are going to be able to write 750 words anymore. That is just not possible. I have never researched something so much in my life. And I probably could have done more. I regret not saving a number of articles I looked at last time but discarded cause I thought I had enough. I finished with 11 references. I tacked one on at the end. Not really even all that relevant to anything but I put it there all the same. It's time to stick it all on my USB, have shower and crash into bed for a few hours. The End

Mood: Tired sleepy and sooo cold *shivering a lot*
Music: It's 4am... who thinks of music at this time of day????



Wednesday, May 18, 2005 00:34:33

Hmmm, just discovered that Arachnophilia has been sticking some of my images in all dodgy so they turn out the wrong size. I don't know why either. Most annoying. Ah well.

It's quite late and rather cold *shivers*. I am feeling quite awake though. Might have something to do with the 13 hours of sleep I had today making up for 18 hours of being awake. Last night was my second observation shift with the ambulance. ambo Was quite a busy night which was good. Quite a few cases of shortness of breathe and chest pains. John was right when he said that most code ones that we go to are not really code ones. Especially when you are going to something like vomiting and shortness of breath. In that case shortness of breath is caused by vomiting. This is also worsned by any kind of emotional distress.

The guys last night were really good with me, they taught me stacks and really let me take a large part in the action which was good. One of the cases we were called to was a psych patient where the police were meant to be called and we were not to go in until police had arrived on scene. When John said I should stay inside the car until they had assessed the situation I was thinking "awwww but..." instead my mouth said "yeah that's not a problem" as another voice, the voice of one of the lecturers, ran through my head saying that we were to abide by all reasonable instructions. Turn out the incident was a bit of miscommunication with concerned neighbours. That's a good thing. I had felt kind of sick on the way over cause it was described as self harm with head injuries...

We did take one child who was almost 2 years old to the RCH. Was interesting talking to the father. Parents will give up anything to make sure their children are well and to take care of them. The child had multiple respiratory diseases and was not at all well. At 1am, Dad was looking pretty tired but child was sleeping soundly. The children's hospital has changed much since i had last been there (1994 or 1995) hmm funny that being 10 years and all. All the walls are very pretty and the staff are wonderful. It's as pretty as you can get for a public hospital and for a hospital. We dealt with another child at around 6am. Was a very cool kid. The ride to the hospital that time gave me such a warm feeling. That is what it is all about.

Once again I have come away feeling really good and happy. Going in again next Monday for another night shift. Will take a small blanket with me when it starts to freeze over though! *jaw drops* It was soo cold. Sleeping wasn't easily obtainable when my body was shaking from the cold...even in jeans and a jacket! At least on Monday I will be able to finally go to my doctor appointment! I have been putting it off for these shifts! Next will have to be a little more disciplined with my sleeping too. I got home after 7am and then crashed after some breakfast and woke up properly at 10pm! *jaw drops* That's understandable considering the demands of the shifts but yeah. I missed two lectures! One of which is the paramedic one which I am reluctant to miss. I did wake up at 10:30am but would have had to race out the room and run down the street. Realistically if I put everything in, I could have made it but I decided against it cause I was tired and also cause the inspection lady was here and my room was still a fantastic mess! lol

Should go have a shower and get some more sleep!

Mood: Tired *yawn*, yet awake awake, cold cold, happy happy and energised energised.
Music: The sound my arms sliding around as I type and the computer whiring with keys tapping!



Monday, May 16, 2005 16:03:42

Only another two and a half hours before I will get to finally go down to the ambosmiley station and have some fun! *grin* In the mean time I am exhuasted. *yawn* I would really love to have a long nap but I am somewhat afraid of over sleeping and also I think I am too much looking forward to my shift to sleep at all.

It's getting cold! *shivers* It's going to be a long and cold night ahead but hopefully an interesting one! I checked with the OIC and basically he said that I am allowed to come in whenever I want!!! I'm so excited!! excited It's so cool how I can just walk in there and feel completely at home! I just have to let him or the dude replacing him when he goes on holidays that I will be coming in. Also I will have to fill in one fo the idemnity forms each time too. Hopefully, next year I will be able to walk into some casual work at Redcliffe. That will be seriously exciting. I didn't know I could possibly feel so happy. *grin*

Katie


I thought I might stick in a photo of my beautiful niece. *smile* Isn't she beautiful! I love her to bits!

Mood: Happy *grin* & Excited excited
Music: My parents arguing. *rolls eyes*



Sunday, May 15, 2005 22:43:42

*sigh* I've been going through a whole lot of old stuff in my mind and it is tugging at me. Trying to pull me down. I feel lonenly. I feel like there is noone to talk to right now cause they are all wrapped up in their own little world of excitement or sadness depending on who we are talking about. I feel lonely in a deeper sense too. It's been a month or so since I happened upon singledom and for some reason all the painful loneliness has come back. One of my greatest fears is ending up old and alone. There are so many people out there who end up alone their entire life. I am so scared of being one of them. People tell me all these fantastic qualities about me and yet I seem to spend most of my life alone. sad

I have just so suddenly gotten over writing...

Mood: Hugely supressed supressed
Music: Touch Me - Rui Da Silva *listens to music*



Saturday, May 14, 2005 22:15:47

I realise just before when writing an entry application that I should probably write in here again. I have difficulty writing when I am in a good mood. Unforunately that gives the impression that I am constantly in a bad one! *looks shocked*Anyway, similar to last Saturday, I did a lot of sleeping. I got up at about 2pm and had breakfast cause I wasn't hungry enough to have anything else. I then spent an hour up sorting out the last assignment I need to do for this semester. I was a tad frustrated cause all the understanding I had gained from reading on Thursday just seemed to have slipped away so I had to re-read and try and make sense of what was in front of me. In the process I somehow managed to confuse myself. Ah well. At least now I have a plan as far as getting those 10 references up!

At the moment nobody is online. I am wondering where everyone is! Why am I the only person bludging on the internet on this Saturday night! *unhappy face* I must be missing something. Lately I have been feeling really quite lonely. I guess because the people who I was close to before have either been distanced due certain circumstances or have found other people who are just better than me to talk to I guess. Why is it that people assume that just because I am not 30 that I don't understand things?? *looks confused* It also sucks cause the biggest social group that I have live on the other side of Brisbane. I seem to get left out of a lot of things. I miss also having someone to love me. I don't like being lonely. sad

Anyways I have got gradings tomorrow and then I get to go and play paramedic ambo head in the 7pm - 7am shift on Monday night. I seriously can't wait to start doing this sort of thing for a living. It will be awesome next year when I will finally get to go and work for them as a casual. Earn money and do what I love. Some things in life are just meant to be! *grins*

Mood: Bored, lonely sad, supressed supressed and very much awake awake.
Music: Put 'Em High - Stonebridge feat. Therese *listens to music*



Saturday, May 07, 2005 21:43:40

Nearly wrote another journal entry earlier but changed my mind. At the moment I am bored. There are not many people on. Most people seem to have gone to a certain house warming which I could just not go to. :( Ah well. It's kind of cold and my guts hurt. Being a female sucks at times. Ah well. Can't complain too much. Listening to some good music. Reminds me of something special. *grin*

Today I had about 14 hours sleep. I didn't get up until 4:30pm. All those late nights and early mornings with 6 hours sleep finally caught up with me. I felt much better afterwards I tell you! Though I am sort of tired now. That's the only problem with over sleeping. Was going to do my assignment this weekend but I doubt that I will get the opportunity cause my sister is also coming over tomorrow with my little niece. Doesn't bother me too much I spose. Not like I am going to get most of the material I need until this week anyway!

Not really much to say. I'm kind of just gabbing on for the sake of it to give me something to do.

Mood: Happy happy and sleepy sleepy
Music: Flashdance (RadioMix) - Deep Dish *listens to music*



Saturday, May 07, 2005 02:56:30

You can tell that I've been better cause I haven't been making crazy journal entries every day, two or three times a day! Yay! happy Today was a good day. There were many challenges however, for once, it didn't seem too difficult and I didn't dream the upcoming events which is common for me. I feel like I have taken a definate step forward for progress. That's good. thumbs up Tonight was the real test. I didn't walk away feeling regretful or depressed which was very pleasing. I felt good and I felt wanted and loved by everyone which is great.

Anyway, I got a whole bunch of new smilies which you will see popping up all over the place...ok well maybe just in the journal entries but hey. I have decided this is going to be the last night (well possibly Saturday or Sunday) of staying up and until stupid time. I made my "plan of life". I officially have it written down. All the things I want to achieve in life and how I am to achieve them. Part of my plan is to adopt a healthier lifestyle. This means eating healthy whenever there is the opportunity and also going to bed at a reasonable hour. I find I am a much safer driver if I am not tired late at night and also function better with getting up in the morning (obviously). Sleep is important. Time to act on that fact.

Alright. I'm exahusted. It's time to get to bed. Night all!

Mood: Happy happy but cold cold
Music: The song that goes "Oh no! It's over can I give you a call??? etc. etc. You've got a hold on me girl! A hold on me girl!



Monday, May 02, 2005 16:39:03

The human yo-yo strikes again! *grin*Feeling better for one reason or another. Not particularly looking forward to the week ahead but have to deal with it all the same. There is much to be done and so little time to do it in. Ah well. Tonight I will be in training for babysitting my little niece tomorrow night. Yes I am skipping class to be there but if I end up leaving the class early cause I am bored, I can't justify not looking after my niece. Besides, any time I can spend with her is good. She is growing up so fast. I want to be an awesome aunty for her . I can't wait until she is older and I can take her places and play games all that sort of stuff. No doubt she will drive me nuts with her energy and wanting to do things again and again and again and my inability to say no! But she is precious angel and I love her dearly. It is times like these I am truly thankful that I didn't get into medicine after year 12 and will be around to watch her grow up. Oneday maybe I will have on of my own.

Got started on the very first assignment for the year...at least the first real one...the first one I've had since 2003. Somehow I couldn't make the information fit to a format however, I think at long last that I have managed it. Now I need to actually write something! :P I am not one for using long and complicated words or showing my academic side however, when it comes assignment time, it all comes out for show. Gone are the gammatical and spelling errors, made up words and simple sentences. My writing skills are something I have always prided myself on. Rarely do they show on the day to day though. I actually really loved English because of the assignment we used to do. Most people think I am mad. English and Maths are seem to be two of the most hates subjects. I hated neither in reality. I didn't do well in Maths. Unlike my father I do not have the mathematical mind however English, no matter uninterested I was on the topic, was something I could excell at. My teacher expected much from which was good. I am proud also to say that I am not a thesaurus trawler like some of the girls in my class...

Anyhow, must be getting on. Need to make myself somewhat presentable!

Mood: Excitable excitable
Music: The patter of rain on the window.



Monday, May 02, 2005 11:26:52

People who seem to think they are above the rest of the world and oh so cool calm and professional just give me the s****. For those of you who don't know I belong to a karate forum and on there this is a thread called "Just a State of Mind" which is basically designed to allow people to express what they are feeling at that given moment in time. Last night there was some frustration going round a few people expressed some unhappiness. This morning I see posts by people having a go at the others for sharing their not-so-happy feelings on the thread. Not only is this hypocritical as I have seen those individuals post negatively on the same thread before but it quashes the idea of the thread. The thread is not designed to be just for the sole happy stuff of the world. People can not be expected to be happy all the time. Humans are a mixed bag hence the reason the thread is there and called as it is. I am most annoyed at this attitude. It is also each individuals choice to read what's there. If they don't like it, don't read it.

Myself I've been on a rollercoaster of emotions. I was quite happy and exciteable this morning until I had to stick my own foot my mouth and further to that read those hypocritcal comments. Perhaps I am just tired. I've made a habit of getting to bed at 2am in the morning. I will then wake up most days anywhere between 7:30am - 9:30am which doesn't provide the greatest amount of sleep. Though these past few days I have had not much excuse for being up late cause my head isn't spinning in quite the same way anymore. *sigh* I feel sick again. I long for some stability to return to my life...

Mood: Aggravated aggravated
Music: The wind whistling around the building



Monday, May 02, 2005 02:06:50

Did I say that people care? Did I really say that? I am ready to retract that statement cause obviously people don't care. They are full of words that for a few moments make me feel good and bring me to tears but its all words. Noone really cares to put out a hand be active. I am the one is perpared to drive around the universe to reach another, I am the one prepared to make sure someone is not dead while the others handle their social lives, I am the one who will skip lectures at a moments notice to meet up with people who are hurting and need support in the time of need. I am the one who will stay up at all hours on the internet to support people when others go to bed. I am the GOD DAMN ONE WHO GIVES A F*** ABOUT EVERYONE AND WHAT THE HELL DO I GET IN RETURN??? NOTHING!!! DAMN YOU ALL!! You don't bother to invite my out cause I don't exist. Everyone loves but noone really does. I am just this pleasant thing that happens to be around that can be used to hearts content and then discarded. What about me???? Where are you all when I am in need?? Where are you when I am crying my eyes out???? Where are you when I feeling bashing my self to death against a bunch of tiles??? Where are you when I can't get out of bed???? What the hell is wrong with me that noone wants to know me and be close and even bother to care???? F***ing tell me!!!!!! WHY IS MY LOVE ONE WAY????? WHY AM I ALONE AGAIN???? WHY DOES EVERYONE GO TO BED WHEN I AM HURTING??? WHY??? HUH??? WHY???? WHY DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT ME?????? WHAT THE HELL DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS UNFAIR DISH??? HUH????? F***ING TELL ME DAMN IT!

Mood: Angry and Bitter angry
Music: Jerk It Out - Caesars Palace *listens to music*



Sunday, May 01, 2005 16:33:15

After pulling it together sometime late last night talking to JC, I woke up feeling a little more sane. I got a surprising amount done. I need to do some tutoring stuff for the girl I am working with on 182. Scares me to admit it but I did enjoy revising the old stuff. It is scary just how much they tried to pack into the Bioscience unit and just how much I had packed into me in the individual Anatomy and Physiology unit. Anyhow, I did that and then went to lie down and catch up on some sleep but found myself going through the questions for my part in the Contemporary assignment so got up and did that as well as scanning some gory pictures for a leaflet we were going to produce. I'm quite proud of my efforts. *sigh*

Tonight I will be online and alone. That is for a number of reasons. First being is that I have blocked a whole bunch of people for various reasons. The other being that a whole bunch of people are going out tonight and I didn't get invited cause it would seem for my absence I am now not part of that group. I am trying really hard not to blow things out of proportion and throw a bunch of accusations at people....hence the reason I have blocked them also. Now is not a good time for me to be left out of group activities. *sigh*

Well apart from that, there is not really much to say... At least not at the moment.

Mood: Supressed supressed
Music: Sick and Tired - Anastacia / Signs - Snoop Dogg feat Charlie Wilson & Justin Timberlake *listens to music*



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