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Sunday, May 01, 2005 00:07:42

*sigh* I know that people care. I do. I also know that I am as alone as I choose to be. In reality I have to go and be active if I want something from someone/anyone. I know that. I've probably known it all along but just never had it surface to conscious level. I want to apologise for the miserable content of this website of late. I may just leave this page here and make a fresh start...

Mood: Tearful but loved tearful
Music: Jerk It Out - Caesers Palace / Its My Life - No Doubt

Saturday, April 30, 2005 23:37:01

I'm feeling physically sick again. I'm falling down. Falling into the darkness. Was supposed to go down to Murarie on Monday night but my sister needs a babysitter for my niece and family will always come first for me. Life goes on. Somehow I am tagged on the end of it. Don't want to be here. Why am I hurting so much??? Seems like the whole world keeps falling down around me. I feel like I'm talking s***. How did my life get like this? Oh that's right, I did it to myself cause I couldn't see past myself to see the damage I might do and now I have to suffer for that. Yeah it makes sense now. I'm alone cause I it was all about it me. I didn't mean it to happen like that. But isn't that it. Never think forwards just so stuck in the now. What future is there now? I can't see that past the pain. I have to go one day at the time. I have things to do for uni which I can't do. It stresses me out so much I either want to hit my head against something or scream and then self destruct. If things were any different I would not be here. I'm so lucky to have a self preservation centre... or am I. No I am not the lucky one...my family are the lucky ones. I can't destroy my life and cause them pain cause I somehow have to keep living.

I am so sick of the sound of myself. SHUT UP. SHUT UP

Mood: Twisted
Music: Behind These Hazel Eyes - Kelly Clarkson

Saturday, April 30, 2005 21:32:09

Noone wants to talk to me. Noone cares. No parents do but thats about it. All the people are online but noone wants to talk to me. Alone again. Fine don't talk to me. I don't care. I'll just die alone.

Mood: Rejected teary
Music: None except the rining in my ear

Saturday, April 30, 2005 00:14:12

I was ok. But now I am not. I was better today. Much better (despite three skull bashing moments which I blame on pure exhaustion). Seems my body will pull me up gradual by itself at long last. However, it is far too easy to get knocked back down again. I'm confused yet again. I have desires and then not desires and I don't know. I wish someone could help me. I wish someone could tell me the right answer cause I don't know what it is.

I've developed a crush. sad face I know this is something that I can't even contemplate and I have been supressing the acknowledgement of because of this. It's been a slow development... though I am not sure how much it coinsides with the other demise... My head and heart is confused. sad face Perhaps I just need sleep.

The effect of a lack of sleep kicked in this morning on the way to uni. I felt quite sick and my body kept going hot and cold, my hands tingled and I had a strong desire to lie down on the ground in the middle of the footpath. Fortunately I did not. I am tired now. I should go to bed. I wish there was someone here to talk to. I really do. I feel so alone. I'm not looking to hear what I don't want to hear and I am not looking for just hugs and comfort. So what am I looking for? I don't know. No I do. I want someone to tell me what I want to hear deep down but I want to be able to justify it out loud. But I also don't want to be here alone. I am so tired of being alone. The whole world lives on the other side of the inlet and the river. I long for something meaningful. I want to be accepted for what I am. I want to have a similar sense of humour and set of beliefs around me. Or do I just want what everyone else wants?? I don't know. No, I need to go bed. I need to put my eyes to sleep.

Mood: Muddled up confused
Music: All the Things She Said - Tatu / Gotta Get Thru This - Daniel Bedingfield

Friday, April 29, 2005 23:17:53

I have just come back to what I would label as one of the most amazing experiences in my life. Exercise City Strike. A simulation of the terrorist bombin of a bus in the middle of the city. It was a combined exercise with the fire units as well. It was just incredible. We were all dressed up in our worst clothes and then had our injuries applied. This was no bodge job, those injuries looked so real it was scary. You could swear that the person had gotten themselves burned. We were then marshalled out to the road where it was all to happen and given safety warnings and what not. I was to play the part of a deceased person inside the bus covered in debris with torn clothing. My face was painted white to give it the deathly appearance and tears made in my shirt and pants. Then the bus arrived. It was a very old BCC bus that had been blown up prior to the event. Many parts of the floor were missing, all the glass had been blown out, doors were blown open and entire walls of bus were just missing. There was lots of twisted metal and debris and only the back of three seat together survive...there were no others. It's one thing to see this on TV and it's another to see it for real up close. They had used 5g of explosives to do that when reality the average quantity in a terror attach is more like 20g. It was an eye opener to say the least. After some more briefing we were put into our positions and had extra blood splattered all over us. The blood was a combination of strawberry and chocolate sauce which gives the visual consistency and colour characteristics of blood. Very effective. All of a sudden the drill had began. The fake explosion noises were pretty poor but there was some pyrotechnics going on and smoke machines going full blast and we were told to start acting out our roles. Moans and yells started to issue from the bus and it initially sounded like cattle which give most of us the giggles however soon the sirens were wailing and suddenly it was very real. We were transported very deeply into the situation. People who don't cry, cried real tears and the shouts of agony seemed so realistic it was chilling. Each person fed off one another. The guy who I was on top of, who ended up on top of me was groaning with dispair almost crying. It was unbelievable. My eyes open and staring off I was to flop around like a dead person and held such a focus that not even the flashing of the cameras taking photos could cause me to blink or avert my stare. It wasn't that long that we were there but it was long enough that when things did finish and the dead were allowed to leave, I felt a tad disorientated, stiff and cold. The blood was no very sticking and I had rubber and debris sticking to me everywhere. My death tag stuck to my wrist more from blood than anything else. There was such a coordination and reality about it. Everything was run so smoothly, so organised. Everyone was moving and doing something but not one person was running anywhere, yellow or shouting or anything. It was a symphony. It is something I will remember for a long time to come and feel privileged to have been able to do. I know for sure that I have chosen the right profession.

Mood: In awe
Music: Some song in my head

Friday, April 29, 2005 08:12:10

Woke up this morning covered in sweat. Completely wet. So many bad dreams so much stress. Having said that I feel alright this morning...just sad and very lonely. I wish someone would text me and say hello or something. I feel very alone right now. It's a beautiful day, I should be happy... Got that tutorial assignment thing to go to... guess I won't write until after midnight when I get back from City Strike...

Mood: Unhappy unhappy
Music: Its My Life - No Doubt

Thursday, April 28, 2005 22:33:45

There is an enormous sigh trapped inside me. I'm tired. In every sense. I got up early today. I went and tutored someone for the subject I got credit for. It's amazing just how much I learned...and also how much I just didn't. I found it really quite enjoyable. Maybe I would have enjoyed teaching afterall. Just perhaps I would not have survived the course. It kept my mind occupied for a while. Too much time with my own head though seems to bring me down.

Tonight on the way to senior training something bizarre happened. Two dogs made their way on to the road thinking it would be a nice game...right in front of my car. It is ironic cause earlier I was passing a section of road where a dog got hit by a car several times and we ran over it on the way to senior training one night and I was thinking about that...only to have them turn over. I was faced with two dogs and I just put my foot on the brake. In my head I could hear "Don't swerve. Don't swerve. Don't swerve." In between the analysis of how close I was getting to the pups. I managed to stop. I was partially aware of the fact there would have been other cars behind my freaking out. Broke so hard that my beg fell off the front seat and huge cloud of smoke from the tyres drifted over the car. I turned to see where they had gone... one escaped and the other got nailed. I don't know how many times. I think I just shut it out. I pulled the car over the side of the road and got out. One person who hit the dog was a vet which was handy. It was traumatic in a strange way. I saw the dog with its head bent in a strange way and I thought it might be dead. I looked and looked away. It was something I didn't really want to look at but did anyway. I'm not somone who is concerned with gore but I guess it is the concept. I felt really stupid. There was another two people who stopped to help. I didn't know what to do. I know how to help a human not a dog. The vet put it's head around the right way and when I looked I could see the dog was breathing! I saw the blood in its mouth and I was thinking about clear airways but what do you do with a dog? Amazingly in a few minutes the dog was upright and ready to walk away but they picked her up (with her companion who was fine) and took her away to the vet. I went back to my car and after a bit of confusion with headlights and indicators...went on my way. I believe both will be ok.

Training was good. In fact it was very good. I started off feeling like I didn't care much. It was true. I didn't. But at some point I found a focus that I have not had in a very long time. I pumped out kicks and combos like never before. Prolly none of it is BB material but for a while it felt good. I was energised and I left class feeling good...for a while. Trip home wasn't so great... kept wandering outside the white lines... I'm a danger to myself.

Now I feel just low. It's bad. I didn't even feel like stopping for junk food. Not even the promise of sugar and nice things seems to psych me up at all. Tomorrow I have to do this stupid tut group things which I just don't want to. I wish I could just disappear. *sigh* My back hurts cause everything is out of whack. And did I mention I am tired. I have veins running from the corner of my eye to the iris. A product of lack of sleep no doubt. How does one sleep when there mind is turning in circles around and around. The only way I can sleep these days is by focusing on my breathing. I wake up tired cause I haven't slept enough and then the rest of the day I am awake. If given the opportunity however I could just sleep all day. Once I get to sleep there are no problems. Last night I again came close to trying to implode my skull. Though I think today I am feeling slightly more stable. This is an assumption based on nothing. What I perceive to be betterness is just me being unable to have space to think thoughts. I keep waiting for a miracle to happen...and it is just not going to...

Mood: Low low
Music: None

Wednesday, April 27, 2005 11:18:43

I decided to stay home today. I just didn't want to go. Apart from the fact that I was tired, I had no motivation to go to uni at all. A part of my feels just so dead. I have to take my class tonight and I have just no desire to do so. I have senior training tomorrow night and I don't feel like going to that either. I would happily just sink away into some kind of non-existence. The only thing that is keeping me going is perhaps a little hope for the future and the few people have shown some concern for me. I just don't feel like coping.

Karate has taken a backseat in my life. I know if the paramedic thing requires me to be there when I am training, it will win over easily. I realise that in a few years when I finish uni, when the shift work begins, it will probably not be possible for me to take a class, nor will my training be able to regular on define days. I know then is when my teaching will stop and I will become a casual student. Hopefully by then I will be a black belt.

No functioning. I've been sitting here for a few minutes with my fingers posed for typing. I've just been staring at the visualisation on Media Player. It is sent on randomisation at the moment and it is absolutely mesmerising. I will get a screen shot of it one day when I could be more bothered with life. I know I am not coping cause my writing has been somewhat prolific. It is a sign of break down in me. I know that. What am I supposed to do about it?? *sigh*

Mood: Low "Meh" Meh & Tired sleepy
Music: Signs - Snoop Dogg feat Charlie Wilson & Justin Timberlake

Wednesday, April 27, 2005 01:39:30

WARNING: The following entry contains content that is not suitable for people under that age of 18 years. If you are underage, you continue at your own risk. It is the author's recommendation that you refrain from doing so.

Ever imagine bashing your skull out. I have. I can stand there in the shower and I imagine bludgeoning my head against the tiles smashing my skull into fragments with blood rushing everywhere. I have a slight inkling of the pain. What stops me? I don't know. Nearly did it this time. There is something that stops me from doing the things that I imagine doing to myself at times. Sometimes it is crashing my car into on-coming traffic or standing out in front of a speeding car or jumping front of a train.

I'm so tired but I don't want to go to sleep cause I don't feel like having to get up later and being tired. Don't want to face the day that it already ahead. Not today. I'm hungry still. I slaughtered my MSN list and my phone contacts too. Anyone I haven't really heard from that much if ever or don't have regular contact got cut. If you are reading this, then you are still there, not to worry.

I know I should sleep. I will probably feel better when I wake up in the morning. I've got to get there first. Don't want to listen to my head and all the thoughts and feelings. *sigh* I should go to bed. My eyes feel scratchy.

Mood: Somewhat apathetic and numb Apathetic
Music: Behind These Hazel Eyes - Kelly Clarkson

Wednesday, April 27, 2005 00:35:48

I'm tired and I'm hungry. I feel so wrecked inside. I can't believe that today happened. Part of me wishes it never had. How did I let thing get so out of hand. How did things get the way they are. For all intents and purposes it seemed so perfect. Why is the perfect not happening?? I'm confused. I'm in turmoil. I haven't given up just yet... But I am feeling somewhat flattened and depressed. *sigh* Those I have talked to keep saying that it can happen again. They describe me as the best thing that had ever happened. They like me.... crying They like me for what I am. And there I was thinking that perhaps I was out of it all. I have an action plan. I'm so hungry. I don't want to go to sleep cause I don't want to have to wake up early tomorrow. I don't want to do this. I don't want this anymore. What did I do? *rocks back and forth* Gutted. I feel sick. I feel so sick. So many tears. So depressed...

What am I to do? Why can't life me straight forward. Why can't it just work. WHY???? I'm hungry. sad Who reads this crap. I know Jo does. *hugs for her*. Yes I got your last feedback...I've just not been there really to answer it just yet. I've let my everything slip. Slip away...die...dead... Why is this so hard??? I haven't felt like this in so long. I have broken something so precious. The last time I felt this horrible was when in grade 2 or 3 I broke a clay painted and glazed cat money box. It was a present from my sister. I was trying to get the bottom of it or something and I got frustrated with it and a banged it on the ground and it shattered. I had not really even considered that is might break. It didn't seem in the realms of possibility. I was devastated. I felt so upset and I just wanted so much to be able to undo what I did. Very few times have I been so desperate to do that... My Mum knitted a body for the head of money box and it lived with my stuffed toys for many years. I don't have it anymore...

I want to curl into a ball and disappear...become a drone...something doesn't feel love or pain. I could live like that. But that wouldn't be really living now would it. That's so screwed. I don't care. That's not true. I do. I hurt....I hate being human...

Mood: Depressed depressed
Music: Behind These Hazel Eyes - Kelly Clarkson

Tuesday, April 26, 2005 20:19:30

I feel wrecked. I did it all to myself. I hate myself. I hate the pain I cause people. I hate that I can't communicate properly. I hate that I came across mad. I hate that I can't resolve my problems properly. I hate myself. *deep painful sigh* I don't want to be alive. I don't want to feel this. I don't want to. I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. Noone loves me. sad My heart hurts so much. How do I screw up all the good things in my life. I can't believe what I have managed to do and even when I try to fix it still turns out like crap cause I just can't get it right. I'm a horrible person.

Mood: Depressed depressed
Music: All the Things She Said - Tatu / Signs - Snoop Dogg Feat. Charlie Wilson and Justin Timberlake

Saturday, April 23, 2005 18:30:39

I don't know if it is possible or not but I woke up this morning and I was over it. No more to say. Just over it. I actually felt really good. Fantastic in fact. I felt excited. I don't know why excited but I was all the same. I actually picked up my uni stuff and started catching up on about 3 weeks worth of study that I had just been unable to do. Bar about three hours when I crashed from exhuastion, I spent the entire day studying! I am so happy and so proud of myself! *grin*

I didn't think I would get over it all that fast but some how I have. Perhaps it was because I was departed deep down and the hope was holding me back. I don't know. But I can say I honetly feel normal again. I've been reading some of their posts on the forum and something has gone really strange. This is not the person I used to know. I don't think I like it anymore.

Anyway, it has been a productive day and I am proud of that. Tomorrow I intend to finish of those stupidly big chapters from the Lawson and Rotem book and break it up with some of the more exciting paramedic texts and CPM reading. On Monday I will get started on the HSM assignment. I should also maybe have a look at some stuff for the other group one. We have only three weeks left until presentation date and I really don't see anything happening. Oh well.

In other news I have a person to tutor for 182. This will be cool. I like teaching...those who are willing to learn of course!!! *smile* Ergh, I feel sick now. Gonna get moving.

Mood: Tired tired but happy happy
Music: All The Things She Said - Tatu *shrugs*

Friday, April 22, 2005 00:21:15

I'm dead. My insides are dead. I'm all dead. I feel pain but it is so great I can't express it. I want to hibernate. I don't want to have to face this right now. All I do is sit and stare at the screen or stand in the shower while the water burns my skin. There is nothing left. There is confusion. I suppose that is something and there is pain but what good is either of those? It was a nightmare that seemed to come true. I don't know what to do... I don't know... I don't know.....

It's not a matter of fate. There are some things which people have to do on their own backs. This is not fate. This is stupid. I hate my life right now. I hate my depression. I hate having no motivation. I hate feeling unhappy. I hate crying. I hate listening to songs that remind me of it all. I hate that I am sleeping to try and escpae. I hate that even in my sleep the nightmares come back. I hate that I could sit down in a chair and rot to death. I hate that don't even care to do karate. I hate that I can't find it in me to do uni. I hate it all. I'm not coping.

In 6 hours I have to get up and face life all over again. I don't want to anymore. I don't want to. I don't want to exist. I don't want to feel. I wish I was a drone. I wish I didn't feel. I wish I wasn't here. I wish I was an asexual it. I wish it would all go away. I wish this never happened. I wish....f*** I don't know. I don't know anything.

I feel like noone understnds. I feel the pain so deep and I hate it. I HATE IT DAMN IT!!!! This just sucks beyond...oh f*** words.

Mood: Broken broken & alone.
Music: Some stupid song in my head with an annoying flute thing.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005 23:20:30

I can't believe that I wrote an entry yesterday. I've lost all sense of time. I feel so incredibly alone. Where is everyone? Where? I feel like noone wants to hear me anymore cause I've been so sad for so long and those that will listen can't help me. I don't know what to do. I wish there was someone I could talk to who was reliable with their thoughts and ideas. Why don't I have any friends??

All day I've been drifting around in a horrid mood. Not really a bad one as such but hugely intolerant of people. It doesn't take much for them to annoy me thoroughly. It's been a long day. I walked out of the lecture this afternoon. First time I've done that since Chem 2 in first year. Bloody Dr. Bottle. My head is just hurting. My mind is filled with sad songs which just won't let me free. Life has stopped. I want to function again. I miss him so much. I do. When will he talk to me? Will he talk to me or have I destroyed thing forever? I was reading a journal of someone I used to know from school and they broke up with their man and now they are back together and I just felt so bad. I wish it was me. I wish we were back together. It's not all my fault. It's not. The last thing was yes but we are both responsible for this. Why can't we sit down and work it out. *sad*

I had a dream which basically well describes my relationship with him. It's got some ugly features but I love it. I wish I knew what he was thinking. I wish I knew if thing were likely to get better... I am thinking of going down on Friday night to train but I don't know. I don't know anything. I hate this feeling. I hate all of this. I spend so much time feeling physically sick from how I feel. Why did I have to go and fall in love? Why? This is like walking around blindfolded, hands outstretched, you know you need to get from one end of the room to the other but somewhere in between there a few mines which if you step on will blow everything into a million pieces. You don't know if you will make it to the other end or if it will all blow up. He can guide me to the other side or he could let me step on the mine...

Please come back to me...

Mood: Depressed *depressed*
Music: I think it is called When Dawn Breaks...forget who by.... it's in my head playing over and over again..."I don't want to fe-el love...without you."

Monday, April 18, 2005 12:56:15

Green

You are a very calm and contemplative person. Others are drawn to your peaceful, nurturing nature.

Find out your color at Quiz Me!


See, this is what happens when I get depressed and bored. I get reduced to doing these stupid pointless quizes. Incidently green is one of my favourite colours. I felt this was quite appropriate. I have a few others too which I will put up and then shall move on.


discover your dog breed @ quiz meme


What Flavour Are You? I taste like Beef.I taste like Beef.

I taste like beef. I'm probably made of beef. You are what you eat, they say, and if the title didn't mean something else, I would be a beefeater. I think red meat is good for you. Puts hair on your chest. What Flavour Are You?
What Flavour Are You? I tashte like Alcohol.I taste like Alcohol.

Heh. Heh. I taste like beer. I like beer. Buy me a beer. I'm not drunk, I can drink plenty without... What was I saying? Beer. What Flavour Are You?
What Flavour Are You? Tomato is what I taste like.Tomato is what I taste like.

I taste like nothing, except a tomato. I'm sometimes sweet and sometimes tart; sometimes juicy, sometimes crisp. The roles of a tomato are many and varied. I am an exception to all the rules. What Flavour Are You?


Okay so when I took the flavour test they told me I was steak... right... very appropriate for someone who doesn't really eat meat. Then they said, if I wasn't steak then I was probably alcohol. I don't really drink much and I definately don't drink beer! So I went through and had a look at all the possible flavours of people and found that I am probably closest to a tomato! *grin*

Okay so that's all that. Today I am feeling in a significantly improved mood. After all the turmoil I found some clarity... at 12:22am. I can't help it but I love him. I want to be with him and only him and that is exactly what I wrote to him. Now I am waiting hoping that it's not too late and that he feels the same. I know there was a lot that went from and really it was a result of our weaknesses being so similar but with that understand I think we can work things out. It's just that despite all the crap, I know he is the one I want to be with. It's an indescribable feeling. Now we shall see. I know I have done the right thing this time and that is all I can do. This is all I can do and I feel satisfied with that. I have the ordinary fears the perhaps he didn't read it or deleted it or something. But I am trusting in the human nature of curiousity. I guess I will know soon enough...

Mood: Deep , craving
Music: That song: "And I miss you...like the deserts miss the rain."

Saturday, April 16, 2005 12:48:28

This site is certified 83% EVIL by the Gematriculator


So apparently my site is really evil! lol! You can click on the picture above and it will take you were I found it. The only difficulty if that is scanned the index page which really doesn't have much on it except a message to people whose browser doesn't support frames! No wonder it is classified as being evil! All webpages I suppose should support everyone! Though, these days, who really is using anything that does support frames?

Another site that I came across was the give yourself a title page. Basically you enter your names and it will assign you a name of royalty. The results are quite the treat. I did three. One for each member of my current household. There was my father, Bard of Invincible Sand Castles, Don Bell Sprout's Dad, my mother, Mage of Indefinite Timeframes, Bell Sprout's K. Mum VI and myself, Crown Princess of The Right Side of Buskirk, Bell Sprout. All names have been changed to protect the identity of my family and myself! *smile* So that was a bit of fun.

Last night I again made the decision to seek forwards motion in my life. It is a decision that I am feeling better for. Today I slept in and caught up on a lot of sleep and then cleaned up my room and got dressed. I am at last happy. There are some things which are just not meant to be. This relationship was one of them. I know I desire some who loves me for me exactly as I am, but I also want someone who is willing to make things work and try. I am not seeking to enter another relationship at this stage and perhaps not for a while. I am content to be single with some stability. There is truth in what they say about you being the only person you can rely on. I have better things to do with my life than be unhappy. I have better things to do with my life than go down to Algester on a Friday night when I can get far more specialised training elsewhere.

Anyhow, I have had a request to put a tamagotchi graveyard on my site. I've agreed to this idea so there will be a new section on the tamagotchi page. Not that there will be anything in it cause noone has moved on recently. All my tamas have returned to their home planets after having children. I've actually had the thing paused for two weeks and has just been revived today. It's been hectic and I haven't really been bothered to devote time to something like that. However, I do intend to purchase one of the version 2 tamas that are out now. Haven't seen any in QLD yet but I know they are in Australia.

Messenger Plus! 3.50


That was a completely shameless plug for MSN Messenger Plus! 3.50. I love plus! It rocks. *grin*You can actually have a lot of fun with it and it ads the features that MSN should have had in the first place.

Mood: Content content
Music: I can hear the wind whistling in the background...does that count??

Sunday, April 03, 2005 12:41:20

Grow when it is done properly


At long last, I found the solution... and that is what the finished product looks like! Happy I have to admit to being up until 3am trying to solve this one. Though, I did start at 1am. It's called Grow. At first you wonder what the point of the thing is and then you complete it for the first time and you go oh.. there is a purpose. Eventually after a lot of random playing you then realise that things need to be done in a certain order to make it work. Many hours later you may just work it out. It's well worth a play. I've added another link to it on the Links page as well. My only warning to you is that the music may well drive you nuts while you try and work it out! *smiles*

Tomorrow life resumes. It is Monday and I do not have uni but I need to sit down and take a look at the Contemporary stuff from before the holidays and prepare for the other lectures for this week. I need to have a look at the assignment too and find out when all the midsemester examinations and what not are. Tomorrow I think I may well attempt to make a doctor's appointment so I can deal with strange lump in my groin. Though, knowing my luck, I will make an appointment for the following Monday and by then it will be gone. *sigh*

I forgot how much I enjoyed just doing nothing. I really am a lazy twat at times. I wish the holidays had been two weeks. Though given my current state it is probably in my interest to be forced into action.

Am wondering about my boy. Things went whacked and that was partly my fault. I am concerned about him and I wonder where things stand really. I wonder when I will get to see him again. I wonder if there will be any more weekends for us. I'm so confused. confused Next weekend is going to be packed. I have red belt and above class again where I have a student being assessed for brown belt. I am hoping like mad that he has managed to pull it all together. I am going to have to drill him harshly on Wednesday. I am having doubts. I suppose the wost that could happen is that I get told he needs more time. Then I got gradings on Sunday. I will have one at the coloured belt gradings so I will need to be at that. I was going to have a white belt heading up but he hasn't been at class for three weeks. I can't justify grading someone who hasn't been at karate for almost a month. I believe that was all I was going to be sending up, though I will have to double check.

Mood: I don't know confused
Music: The background music to Grow

Saturday, April 02, 2005 11:37:27

Order has somewhat been restored to this little Sprout's world. It would seem I cause myself and the people around me a lot of trouble at times. I still have concerns. I am worried about him. *worries* Actually I am worried about a number of people right now. For the first time I am also feeling like I really can't do anything and that any effort would be a waste of life. How do you get people to see what is happening when they are so far wrapped in it that there is nothing else? I question whether to leave it or try. I don't know. I really don't know.

I have been suffering a lack of enthusiasm for karate too. I got asked why I keep going back and I realised that I didn't know. I haven't trained since Tuesday and I haven't really missed it. I don't think I enjoy it quite like I used to. It's not exactly a chore but it's not quite fun anymore. I wish I was clueless again. Didn't know things. Didn't have an awareness of the things that surround me and the politics that rage behind the scences which in reality is more blantantly in everyone's faces but they just can't see.

I'm also wondering when my belly will settle down and stop being nasty to me for breaking the gluten free diet. Driving me nuts. Pain and more pain. I don't know whether I am going to explode or make a mess!

Mood: Apathetic blah
Music: Banana Phone

Friday, April 01, 2005 12:17:15

Just spotted my tamagotchi having a look at a bunch of flowers. Today must be flower day in Japan or something cause I don't see anything April Foolish about a bunch of flowers! *grin* There is a whole lot of new tamagotchi stuff that I want to put up but I haven't got around to putting them in to graphic form and making something happen. Doubt I will be bothered any time soon either.

It is Friday. I wasn't meant to be home until Monday but s*** happens. I came home late yesterday. Don't know where I stand. Waiting for something from the other side. Last night I was about ready to walk away from it all. Now I am just depressed and don't care. I deserve to be treated better than I was. Don't expect to be fobbed off like an idiot either. Not happy. I am open to communication if the other side would take a damn interest. Unhappy

I'm supposed to go to BB training tonight. I don't feel like it. I don't feel like doing anything. I'm depressed. I've been considering going to a familiar class instead. I know I should go to BB. I know otherwise I will feel quilty. But I would much rather curl up into a little ball and disappear than anything else. Not feeling an enthusiasm for life.

I hate the day after. It's the calm after the storm. I'm not angry anymore. I just want things to work. That would be nice. But at the same time I want to be treated with some respect. Head is so confused... Can't really think. Brain doesn't want to. Don't want to feel hurt. Don't want to feel confused.

I miss my cat...

Mood: Unhappy Sad
Music: Dooms Day by Gackt

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