I've been annoyed since Saturday... it seems that this state of being won't resolve spontaneously. Why? The house is dirty and all those really annoying little issues still haven't been resolved. Apparently my mind must have gone on holiday... or maybe it is just true that I am happier in a clean house.

This whole aggravation is probably compounded by my stress with uni at the moment. This year is basically the equivalent of being in year 12 for me with a few bigger, potential stumbling blocks along the way. I've written in great depth about it in my paramedic journal. Of course this also means that I will be unable to keep ahead of things as well and this will spell trouble given the current, ongoing situation. My only bargaining chip is the upcoming lease agreement. I can't remember if that is May or April but I will take it whenever it comes.

What's a person gotta do to get some reasonable cooperation???

For the first time, I broke my diet yesterday. We got out early and decided to go to Beadles for lunch. I was trying to do the right thing and ordered an apparerently low fat "Beadles Asian Salad" over a caeser salad that had some kind of weird anchovie dressing with poached egg on top... That was a mistake. I could deal with avacado, the peanuts and even the sweet chilli sauce but whatever dressing they put on that salad just made my stomach turn.. I was hesitant about buying it to begin with as I am not much for Asian food but I thought I'd be adventurous for my own good health. Wrong!

Anyway, we happened to venture past the campus lolly shop. Yes... some genius decided to replace the second hand bookshop with a full-on lolly shop. As much as I was excited to see it, I resisted the urge to buy... but instead ate a fair bit from what everyone else was offering. Should have known better. I know that one time is not really going to hurt but I did wake up today and felt instantaneously annoyed by the state of the house... which seems to be a symptom of poor diet for me.

My hair has returned to its curly/wavey state again. But it still looks good. I still wish it was all TV hair like it was before but I am still happy. Everyone who saw it complemented me on it so it definately is a good change.

Anyway, I should get started on some study for tutoring on Monday and get some uni work done too. We only have three weeks before prac and then everything goes nuts. There is so much that we just haven't covered... I'm really quite scared. But it has been a great motivator all the same.

Where is everyone when you want to share exciting things????

Sponteneity finally got a foot in today.... $200 later.... I have a new hair cut! A few hours later I have my hair a shade lighter than black, cut, layered with highlights underneath to avoid regrowth probs... not to mention the treatment, shampoo job and straightening.

I feel great! Hopefully, we'll go out to dinner tonight so I don't have to get it all sweaty in training. I think this was a change for the better! I've also got a stack load of product to help keep the frizzes under control when the curl kicks back in!

I've spent the night tossing and turning, unable to sleep on my right side with these f***ing stupid, retarded nasal prongs irritating my nose and all these other nasty wires attached to me and this STUPID STUPID machine won't turn itself off......,.. LEAVE ME ALONE! BLOODY WELL TURN OFFFFFFF!!!

I'm so tired...

Last night my students had a bad night. Perhaps it was me.... Good strong kiais but not the best performance I've seen out of them. We had a few missing and the room just seemed really big and the atmosphere was hard to generate. I don't think my mind was quite there either. *sigh* Next week I'll have to something a bit different. Maybe I should try a few combinations with some random fun exercises and try get the motivation up. Seems we also lost all the white belts from last week and the week before. At least I don't feel responsible about that.

Finally starting to lose some weight! It seems the new diet and pill are working quite well together. I am generally starting to feel better too! I was really proud last night because for the second week in a row, I bought a caesar salad and a bottle of water only. The temptation was screaming for some junk and I had to try so hard to avoid buying dessert, but I did it! So the weight loss was rewarding thing to come home to...

Is must be tough job to be a politician. Of late I've noticed that there seems to be a slagging war going on about ancient history. It seems people just do not have open minds when it comes to the governing parties. You aren't allowed to make a mistake EVER! If you do happen to do something in X day of X year, way back when... you will be condemned for all eternity as being a bad politician with the wrong values. Hello?? What is wrong with people??? Have we forgotten that these people are human too and over time grow as people and professionals with more experience? Have we forgotten that what happened in X day, was in a time where priorities were different to the present day?? My goodness... it is not easy to be involved with running a country at the best of times but lay people just insist on absolute perfection for humans and use outdated "information" to justify their biases. Everyone stuffs up in past and present. Get the facts right, put it in the correct context and get over it! Start assessing the here and now.

Uni is starting to hot up rapidly. I fear that the current approach is not going to be effective for what needs to be done. *sigh* The joy of being the guinea pigs....

Where do I begin?

Difficult people with big shoulders

Taking initiative and responsibility

Finish what you start

Have you not worked it out yet?

Don't worry... sounds more dramatic than it is.... Spent the night down the coast with friends and was awoken at some point to the cries of female. Initially confused, I allowed my eyes to close before the sound started again. I had to get up... I had to find out what was happening. After some analysis of the cries it sounded much a like a drunken female who may have fallen unwell. I paced to window and then to the door and counted heads. I couldn't see anything out of place. I return to the window and hear "oh help". Hmmm... time to go outside. My heart is racing but there is no thought to the possible dangers (not that there should have been much within the hotel complex). I follow the sound to the window the unit next door. The boy has followed me down. The lower light where the sound seems to come from is off...the upsairs one is on. I listen hard... trying to get a clue as to what it happening. I suddenly hear that sound... It would be that rythmic lubricated skin contact sound and my face turns from intrigue to disgust to analysis...

It is not unusual for some females to be overly vocal during sex however, this vocal didn't sound happy. It sounded either very deeply destroyed or very drunk and unhappy. It sounded like pain... not pleasure. But one would assume that if the act was not one that was consented to then there would have been some attempt to hush the vocals... Perhaps the impaired judgement of alcohol that forgot the necessity of silence? Perhaps it was a number of drunks.. some engaged in copulating activities whilst ignoring the plight of a chronic drunk?

I went back to bed. There is the voice in the back of my head that wonders if I should have picked up a phone and called the police....if perhaps my lack of action would be another unreported abuse. The signs are very contradictory.... I can't help but wonder... But honestly, thumbs down to the guy in the next apartment across who was sitting there head out the window listening in...

On a less heavy note... the weekend was a good oppportunity to get away, talk and think. I've done a partial reset of the brain. I still think I need some time away... I might organise a week or so at my parents place.

for Jo. Thank you. Still processing.

By the way... I fixed the smilies from my last entry!

It was two o'clock before the cleaner arrived... I was beginning to think she might not come. But she did... and I feel really good!

I like it when the place is truely clean. It really helps to lift my spirits. He came home as we were finishing up and I handed over the $$$. He's pissed off... I can see hear it in his voice and he's not really talking to me. He left without saying goodbye which is the dead give away. But you know what... I don't care. If he won't help me feel happy then I will help myself.. with a little assitance in the form of a deduction from the rent payment.

For a while I will feel good at least!

I've been so unhappy with my life lately. There are just so many aspects of my body and general health which have got me down but I've also been unhappy with my living situation. I've been working so hard to do improve my personal life. I've started on a new healthy diet and stuck to it for the first time ever and I'm having the collection of medical problems investigated. I've been pleased with my progress so far. What I am not pleased with is my relationship....

This is one big area that I've been putting off dealing with because I have run out of answers. Kind of reminds me of high school maths... solving quadratic equations.. "there are NO solutions!". I laugh but it really isn't that funny. We have another inspection on Tuesday. I couldn't handle the thought of having to be responsible solely for the clean up again... so I hired a cleaner. I feel guilty that I've hired some 50 - 60 year old woman to do my dirty work but I am absolutely drained and resentful. I really don't know what else to do...

I've been very seriously considering doing my prac up at Townsville or Cairns. I need the break. I need some mental time and space to get away and have a good think about things. I really need to talk all this out. But I am not sure I can wait for second semester to roll around to do that. Perhaps I could actually just start a new life up there...

I don't know where all this feeling is going to lead. I feel bad because I've put off saying anything but that is because the more I withdraw, the clingier he becomes.... I don't know what to do.... I just don't know... My resolve from two months has faded... I'm in love. I'm so tired I'm not angry anymore...