So that's it... semester is finally over. There is no more assessment, no more uni, no more learning, no more pressures, no more committments for a good four months. I feel exhausted. I'd like nothing more than to curl up and go to sleep for a few hours. These past two days have been pretty intense in a way. It is the first time we've had to manage a scenario from start to finish and act out what we want to do. Yesterday our patient died... this was a very new concept for us all as in scenarios our patient either proves, stablises or is pretty much dead when we get there. The response was pretty much universal. "What's going wrong? Why is he dying? What am I missing? What am I not doing? OMG I've failed! What have I done? What can't I see here?? What am I supposed to do???". For many this spiral resulted in a complete loss of the plot. For others it was less destroying. It was a lesson for us all... a realisation that sometimes we are going to have patients who are just going to die regardless of what we can and try to do for them - whether it be in real life or scenario!

Today we arrived expecting the worst. I was thinking it would be something annoyingly complex where the patient is in a car accident etc. I was lucky though, our patient this time had a complete amputation of their left leg and a ? # right wrist. My gear placement was shocking though I made all the right decisions and did all the right things. My assessor said that most things would come together with experience and confidence. I felt reasonably about it.

I guess the concerning thing is just how many of our group fell apart to tears or completely acted out in agression. One story filtering through suggest some violence towards inanimate objects. I am hoping this is a dramatisation of the facts because that kind of behaviour is just not acceptable when in uniform. I would be curious to see how to internal students would cope with similar scenarios. I wonder if we are truely ill prepared. I wonder how many will make it through this semester. The outcome of these two days will be interesting to say the least. I wonder how I performed against the norm. I wonder if most are exaggerating their problems.

Anyway, I'm glad these two days are over. We've seen much stress and tears from both male and female. It has been a time that has brought us closer. I appreciate our time watching Chopper and Man Show Boy on YouTube in the holding room and playing football and hangman and watching Team America in the "departure lounge". Bring on third year!

Mixed emotion right now... I'm on my own for a while tonight. The other half has gone off on a last minute rampage to another dojo without really giving me a when and where etc. I was going to go to training up the old way but I got loaded with too much loot and perishables to consider it. Coming home was a must. Seems that all the classed that are on tonight start early or are places where I would be known. My last option for tonight turns up in Inala and I am feeling somewhat reluctant to take my car to anywhere around there and leave it unattended for two hours. Really feeling the need to train tonight though.. *sigh* Would rather avoid tomorrow as I've got an early start for Wednesday. Ah well...

Today has been an otherwise good day. We celebrate my birthday the way we normally do. Things seemed a little bit different to normal in a way though... not sure why. Anyhow, I've gotten some now floor mats for my car (which I've just finished installing) in the Colt brand. The look good, just need to add the driver side mat which will get put it in when I can get the vacuum split. I'll also stuck in my new refidex. *thinks she should have just dealt with being known* This was accompanied by a photo album for some photos I received amongst others I've been storing seperately. My Dad bought me Myst IV which is what I probably will drown myself in tonight until I get hungry again. Mum managed to land me (I'm assuming from ebay) the ultimate elctro-massaging-thing. That will be good for some much needed relaxation I think.

I apologise for the convoluted non-specificity of this entry.. head is not quite with it anymore. Can I tell you about the amazing cake though? It was just to die for! It was called "Treasure Chest" and basically was this rich chocolate cake with profiteroles on top... all covered with chocolate sauce and a strawberry. It was just amazing to look at! My three year old niece picked it for me! She's a smart little one... she can count to 100 all by herself already and is now able recognise letters and numbers too. She's not even gone to preschool yet! I am so proud of her! Anyway, it was a nice cake - of which I still have souvineers!

Will write more when I feel a little less gutted about not getting to training..

Well, despite the words of impending doom (does that sound dramatic?), I've enjoyed considerable motivation for training! It is at this point of course that the phone rings... and I see "Rosters 8" and I know that it won't be able tomorrow, the day I've nominated to have off. I know it won't be about Friday because that is too far in advance. It will be about tonight.. Of course I am will make a killing because it is a 12 hour shift and a night shift at that... but I would have liked one at home with my love.. Unfortunately, that leaves no time for me to get my nap in... ah well.

What was I saying? Enjoying motivation for training? Yes! Plenty of that. I went and did a random class on Sunday morning which was fantastic! The feeling was fantastic more than the class. I have unfortunately, become quite sensitive inexperienced teaching. The class was quite physical, even if it wasn't in the way that I had hoped so it is one that I can consider returning to in future. I also training back up home way with the one instructor I've had since yellow belt. It was a good experience. I have to say that I was surprised and inspired at how welcome I was made to feel. It was great to catch up and talk about karate in general and regional differences etc. I miss the old school karate... the classes that made you sweat because you are doing hard karate rather than pushups and situps or 500 to the count. I miss the variety and I miss the environment - all so relaxed and no silly stigmas. Its funny how I may not know the majority of faces in the class but I am totally comfortable getting up in front and taking a section.

I was talking to one of my old students who had returned after several months break due to injury and a point was raised. I used to travel from home (then) all the way down here a few times a week for training... why don't I come back up??? This is a thought that will be the source of much consideration in the coming weeks. I really would like the balance... it might be tough petrol wise but I think it might be worth it...

So looking forward to the coming weeks. Last of my exams, the gradings and karate stuff and my birthday!

Last of my written exam today and it went pretty well. There were only three questions that I had not seen in the two previous years exams so it was straight forward. Unfortuantely, EVERY ambiguous question that I couldn't find a definitive answer for turned up and I get shirty with one particular question worth four marks and wrote about how hard it was to answer when there was not unconvoluted straight forward information available. There goes all my half marks... Ah well

I am feeling well relieve in that I know that I have more than passed most subjects but I am still a little bit pensive in regards to the prac exam that is to be had in about two weeks. I don't feel in the least bit confident that.. I don't think I've quite got a system happening. I know all the theory but putting it all in to practise in another thing entirely.

Feeling that overwhelming sense of choice and desire at the moment. There is so much that I can finally do guilt free and I want to do it all now!! I am looking forward to sleeping in and playing games and organising my computer and website and room etc. I am very much looking forward to hanging out with some friends and maybe getting some work in there too! Did I mention the sleep? I have had what we've termed "fake" sleep for the past couple of nights. I know I've been asleep but it doesn't feel like it and it is really beginning to take a toll on me. I feel dangerous driving. Speaking of which.. got to get up tomorrow to pretend to be lectured... Well how also can assessors be assessed?

Anyway, I finally put up a two picture of my brand new car in the gallery which you can all have a look at. I had one really good one from the front but it had virtually my entire family in there too and I just wasn't quite comfortable with that.. So we stick with the ones we've got! Will have to rearrange the gallery at some point too... not happy with format.