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Monday, December 20, 2004 18:30:55
I am listening to the most gorgeous music. Hidden Forest by Tony O'Conner. An awesome CD. I am feeling really relaxed. 
I have just had a shower and am somewhat awake. My doctor's appointment today prooved to be a little scary. I am severely anaemic. My body is putting me to sleep so that it can break down my muscles to obtain more iron. Which explain why I feel like I have been getting worse instead of getting better despite all my work. Today I went jogging with a friend and we stopped for a break and I immediately felt really tired. So much so that I could have quite easily crashed on the park bench right there and then.
Anyway, I have two weeks break from karate so I will try and use that time to recover. It is hard to tell myself not to do stuff when the other part of me is trying to kick me in to gear and get me fit! It is back to the feral floradix but when that bottle is finished I will switch solely to iron tablets cause I just cannot hack the taste of the floradix.
Will leave it that cause I am tired! Oh but I might throw in that my TamagotchiPicls has a little baby girl and has been hanging out with a Christmas tree in the mornings... the scary thing is that the Christmas tree has a mouth!
Mood: Happy 
Music: Silently by Tony O'Connor
Wednesday, December 15, 2004 18:37:11
I am so fully exhausted. I had about 4 hours sleep last night. My own fault of course. I spent today with my sister and my little niece. I so couldn't be bothered with this entry right now.
Mood: Tired
Music: Towa no Mirai by Animetal
Monday, December 13, 2004 23:26:18
I opened up my trusty HTML editor, Arachnophilia, to be greeted by this "tip". I just thought I might share it with you all. I am not sure why. It just amused me.
Today has been a big day. I am absolutely exhausted but I am up all the same. I am just try to get my stomach to digest some food before I go to bed. I ate so much at the break up! Lots of pizza and lollies and Twisties. I ended up stealing all but four fantails from the lolly containers. I love them. Now I am just too full to even think about them!
1st class was a lot of fun and I really enjoyed it. 2nd class I didn't really do much except clean up while the rest of the class did partner work. That was alright. I didn't really mind all that much but I got a tad bored towards the end. I wasn't looking forward to going to karate really. There has been a growing resentment towards my region. I tend to spend more time in region 10 than my own region. *shrugs* One day I will move across but that will not be in the near future I don't think. I think I have said it before but I really need this break. Missing karate is going to drive me absolutely nuts but I still think I need it. Today for the first time out on the balcony I wished that I was like one of those people down on the beach who didn't have karate to go to.
I think it is the whole lead up to black belt. Even though sometimes I say that I would perfectly content to sit on 1st Kyu forever, I really do want to make that grading. I wonder though if I will be physically and/or mentally strong enough to do it. I seem to be so hopelessly unfit despite my efforts. It is something Anthony is pushing really hard with me. I wonder if the grading is really as mad as I am begining to think. I have seen one before but I was a lot lower then and I was looking with different eyes.
I wonder if getting past the grading will help to cool things off within me. There are all these people who say I will make it and all the rest but I don't really know what to believe. I don't believe that people are honest all the time. I also know that I have some kind of physical problem which is hindering my progress. I don't know if I will be able to do it in a way I will feel proud of. I was watching the region 10 grading on Sunday as a few of my friends and one in particular were going to grade. I watched the higher graded brown belts go through kata until their faces were screwed up in pain and you could see their bodies just not wanting to do what it was being told to. I can't help but wonder if I really have it in me. I want to believe I do. I like to believe I do but I don't know. I don't want to find out the hard way and I certainly am not worthy of a grading if I am not.
Anyhow, I now have a new tamagotchi of the 4th generation called Picls (short for Pickles). He is a teenager onionotchi. I made a Tamagotchi page to keep a record of the Tamagotchi growths. I am not sure where I will link it from just yet but hey. Oh yeah, Picls was the first Tamagotchi of mine to have a cavity. He ate to many sweets when I was trying to keep him happy while I was at training!
Mood: Tired
Music: (Title Unknown) by Dir en grey
Thursday, December 09, 2004 10:02:53
I miss Christmas. It is the one time of year that is really sacred to me. I miss getting the family together and having FUN! The whole idea has been dying slowly over the years. This year I will see my immediate family on X-mas eve and my Dad's side of the family (extended) on Christmas day. I am not looking forward to it all that much. At least my little niece Katie will be there on Christmas eve to brighten the night/day or whenever it turns out to be. She is walking now.
Christmas down at the Gold Coast is always interesting. Usually involves lots of nice food, a few games of pool, unbearable heat, idle chatter and a whole lot of karate talk. My unlce likes talking to me about karate, even though he has been out of it for a few years now. I am glad that I am not a black belt yet or he'd probably get me up to spar and kick my ass all over the place with his full contact stuff. I'm not that confident. He is not a fan of GKR cause they door knock and for a number of other reasons. I have to get the idea into my head that is really doesn't matter what he thinks about my karate style. I am not doing it to kill people or be really hard core. I am just doing it cause I enjoy it and it is martial arts.
The music I am listening to is awful depressing. Saikai No Chito Bara by Malice Mizer. I like their stuff but this one in particular is a tad sad in places. It is famous for me and another friend of mine cause it has the psycho organ music. The whole obsession with that started after the graduation ceremony in year 12 when the organ player was bashing on the organ making horror music instead of some nice music that you would expect to hear at a graduation ceremony. This particular piece was put on a CD which we called BBW which is short for Big Brother Woman. This evolved from a teacher (who I am sure had a name) that used to pop out of mysterious places and just be THERE...EVERYWHERE! lol!
Anyhow, at the moment I am filling up time before I need to leave to go to training down south this afternoon. I am also waiting for Dudly to hurry up and have a baby. The matchmaker is due fairly soon but she is sure taking her time! I got another tarakotchi again. I decided to make a record of all my tamagotchi so far...seeing I really have nothing better to do with my time:
BLOB: White Babytchi (girl) » Marutchi » Ichigotchi » Mametchi (bred with Hanatchi from the matchmaker to make Cdlin)
CDLIN: Black Babytchi (boy) » Kinakomotchi » Young Mimitchi » Tarakotchi (bred with Masktchi from the matchmaker to make Dudly)
DUDLY: Black Babytchi (boy) » Marutchi » Hinotamatchi » Tarakotchi
Well the last piece that I will put on here today is the little errr... avatar that I had made of me. It was supposed to make a picture that looked like me. Unfortunately I don't see it being quite right. Oh well. I put the picture on the page about Bell Sprout so you can see it there.
P.S. If that tamagotchi jargon didn't make sense, you might want to check out the characters page on the official Tamagotchi website. Oh and I will try and make a link to that avatar making thing when I get the link again!
Mood: Christmassy 
Music: Will by Chihiro Yonekura
Wednesday, December 08, 2004 09:19:55
Wednesday morning has come around and I am awake. That's a start. I feel tired even so. I spent all of yesterday asleep. I went to bed straight after training cause I was so tired. *sigh* I went to my doctor on Monday. Apparently I am "[Blah blah blah developing gluten intolerance]". No bread, pasta and something else. But basically anything that has wheat, rhye and something else. I had some blood taken yesterday at my doctor's request. She sent me for a full blood count, iron studies, an ESR (whatever that is), lupus coagulant and CPK levels in case I have some nasty muscular disease like muscular dystrophy. I just hope something turns up.
I was reminded last night that "you guys have six months to get ready. I'm not sending anyone who is failing". Fortunately the failing bit was not directed at me. I have six months to fix my exhaustion problems. I know at this stage with this body of mine, I am not worthy of a black belt grading.
I had so much to say but it all seems rather unimportant now. I would have written all the stuff when it was current had I been home and had I not been so tired I thought I might just drop.
Mood: Depressed
Music: Reincarnation by Megumi Hayashibara
Wednesday, December 01, 2004 17:49:07
Today I made another break in jogging. I'm going futher than I ever have before. Today was really good. I felt energised and left Dad pretty much right at the start. I didn't tire until I reached the park. I braved the hill and even though I wanted to stop earlier I forced myself to keep going until I reached a credible marker. I am doing heaps better in jogging but still haven't got a whole lot endurance going in karate. Last night we got to doing first kata and even though I was telling my legs to move in a certain way with a certain grace, I just ended up glomping my way through it the first three times. They just wouldn't do what I was telling them to.
My Cdlin now has a son which I am going to call Dudly. That seemed like an appropriate name at the time but I don't like the way it makes me think of Harry Potter every time.
Mood: Stressed & Tired
Music: Netsujou by Kuwashima Houko
Tuesday, November 30, 2004 22:49:48
Last night I went to have a look at the course outline for the paramedic course I am looking at doing next year. It was finally up! It is a good thing I have this computer cause I am looking at a lot of assignments next year and I function so much better at 1am at home than I do at uni. Overall it looks pretty good. Most semesters I only have three subjects cause the 4th is placement. There are a few dodge subjects though that look as boring as all hell. They are the kind of subjects (or should I be technically correct and call them units?) which you do cause you have been told it is very important to learn the historical imformation about society and why things became the way they did even though the whole thing makes sense anyway.
I now know that I am very set on the idea of doing this course. I don't want to do anything else. If I don't get in to this, not only will I feel like a failure, I will stuck doing a teaching course. It is just not what I want to do! I am now very eagerly waiting on January to come around so that I can find out the results of my application. While the others are finishing Medical Science, I will be starting the 1st year of a new course. But at least it will be something that will lead me straight into a job and into something I actually do want to do. As sick as this may sound, I went and had a look at some med school photos of a whole lot of bad injuries and very dead people to get used to the idea of what I will see. Now it is just a matter of seeing if the real life version is something that will allow me to stay cool!
Today I spent most of the day asleep cause I was tired from being up late last night. I woke up for a few hours to eat and then make my magic sheep. The magic sheep was a birthday present from the Australian Geographic shop. You assemble this outline of this special paper stuff which makes a sheep. The sheep has bits attached that go through the stand and dip into this special solution sitting underneath the stand. The solution creeps up the paper and then forms crystals on it. In this case white cause it is supposed to be a sheep. I started it at 1pm and it is now 11:03pm. The results are not as good as I would have hoped. One leg didn't get the solution and some of the crystals have fallen off. The rest has formed in a rather patchy way. It kind of looks like the sheep has hair loss resulting from skin disease!
Mood: Excited
Music: None
Monday, November 29, 2004 23:58:41
I had much to say earlier but it is now later and I am tired. It's been a long day and a long weekend. Both good though. Karate tonight was dodge. After training at Ben's class on Friday night, I am so much more aware of that fact that I am the highest belt. I feel like I should be trying to lift them but I don't have anything to lift me. I don't know what I need to do and I just felt so flat. Flat means frustration. I had a panic attack at one point cause I couldn't get this combination we were doing to work the way I wanted it to. I haven't felt like that in ages.
I want to go to BB training at Albany Creek but transport is damn near impossible. I'm frustrated at that. I feel like it will benefit me heaps. I have to wait until I get my licence. Though, I am scared of failing my driving test and then having to wait until I can get enough cash together to try again. Then i am afraid the offer will be withdrawn and then if it is not, I feel scared I will be totally inadequate. I was scared of the same thing on Friday night. I feel so substandard. My body just won't do what it is told. It won't recover. I can go to my doctor and then I will just get in trouble for not taking the feral Floradix enough.
Right now I am feeling so unhealthy. I know it is all probably my own fault for not always eating well and staying up until late and all the rest. Why can't I just be normal! Jeez, I am more frustrated than I thought.
Mood: Frustrated 
Music: Rusty Nail by X-Japan
Wednesday, November 24, 2004 15:50:57
I've been working on this website all day. I can honestly say I have never spent so much time mucking around with colours and what not, trying to make it perfect. I couldn't decide what to do with the colour so I just alternated for each page. *shrugs*
I am exhausted. I would really love to curl up and go to sleep. Two things are stopping me: I am going jogging with Dad in about half an hour and little Cdlin is still at that dependant stage where if I go to sleep for a few hours he is likely to do a poo and get sick and die. I am not having him die when I only just got him. Besides, I don't want to start at the start again.
I hope to get this on tonight cause otherwise I won't get a chance to for quite some time.
Mood: Anti-social
Music: Truth by Two Mix from Detective Conton OP
November 20 Saturday @ 12:19am
So yesterday (officially) I turned 19. It doesn't feel right. I just don't get it.
I was looking up my name in Google images. My name is out there more than I thought it
would be. Common name for cat and dogs, some horses, statues and a few other things.
There are some porno girls there too. I feel like they disgrace my name. Those disgusting
blonde things. I just want to slap them and tell them off for that. I look at the other
faces that I see. I don't really identify with them. They don't seem like Isadora's.
They seem like other people. They don't seem worthy of my name.
Mood: Strange
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